I'm sending in 2 chapters of SFTS this week.
2010 will be the coming out year of SFTS...
I sat in a meeting with the brass at my current job. For 45 minutes we discussed Child Nutrition Specialists...it sounded important so I decided to pay attention. But, I soon lost interest....it wasn't until after the meeting I learned exactly what a Child Nutrition Specialist is...
it's a fucking lunch lady
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Irony?
Holy shit there is an advertisement for a behavior modification program on my blog! How funny is that?
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Funny Doctor
My whole life I was never sick. As soon as I started working with kids I was practically knocking on death's door.
At one point I got a viral infection from kids who play with their own shit. Fecalphiliacs I think is what they are called. To make a long story short the medicine they gave me to help me get well gave me ulcers.
For awhile I refused to go back to the doctor because I hate wasting my time and I really hate being touched. When I finally consented the doctor told me that he needed to look in my stomach. He suggested an endoscopy which I initially had mistaken for a colonoscopy. I refused! Eventually my stomach hurt so bad that I went...plus I learned I'd be asleep and they'ed go in through my mouth.
My mother decided she'd drive me to make sure that I went.
The doctor saw me for less than a minute before the nurses came in to prep me. While they were getting things set up my mom thought it might be a good idea to inform the nurses hwo were roughly the same age as me that I was a big baby when it came to things of this nature. AND that I had initially refused the procedure because I thought they'd stick a camera up my behind. The nurses thought this was quite funny.
So funny infact they started to tease me about it.
I don't know about you, but it makes me uncomfortable to have two young ladies who I just met making jokes about sticking things up my ass.
They placed the mask over my face to put me out. One of the nurses asked me, "Are you feeling sleepy?"
I said, "No"
The other nurse walked over, looked at her friend and said, "OK I'll get his pants...you flip him over." I freaked for about a second and the next thing I knew they were waking me up....
I was groggy when I woke up, but the first thing I remembered was those two idiot nurses.....I thought for sure I had been tricked!
The doctor spoke really bad English and kept getting pissed when I told him that my thoat felt fine...but my ass feels kind of funny.
At one point I got a viral infection from kids who play with their own shit. Fecalphiliacs I think is what they are called. To make a long story short the medicine they gave me to help me get well gave me ulcers.
For awhile I refused to go back to the doctor because I hate wasting my time and I really hate being touched. When I finally consented the doctor told me that he needed to look in my stomach. He suggested an endoscopy which I initially had mistaken for a colonoscopy. I refused! Eventually my stomach hurt so bad that I went...plus I learned I'd be asleep and they'ed go in through my mouth.
My mother decided she'd drive me to make sure that I went.
The doctor saw me for less than a minute before the nurses came in to prep me. While they were getting things set up my mom thought it might be a good idea to inform the nurses hwo were roughly the same age as me that I was a big baby when it came to things of this nature. AND that I had initially refused the procedure because I thought they'd stick a camera up my behind. The nurses thought this was quite funny.
So funny infact they started to tease me about it.
I don't know about you, but it makes me uncomfortable to have two young ladies who I just met making jokes about sticking things up my ass.
They placed the mask over my face to put me out. One of the nurses asked me, "Are you feeling sleepy?"
I said, "No"
The other nurse walked over, looked at her friend and said, "OK I'll get his pants...you flip him over." I freaked for about a second and the next thing I knew they were waking me up....
I was groggy when I woke up, but the first thing I remembered was those two idiot nurses.....I thought for sure I had been tricked!
The doctor spoke really bad English and kept getting pissed when I told him that my thoat felt fine...but my ass feels kind of funny.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I thought it was funny?
One of my undoings at my old job was my inability to play politics. I just don't understand it. Everyone has a job to do so why can't they just do it?
Anyway one of my underlings would never listen. He was very arrogant and condescending when he talked. HE hated the fact that I was younger and made more money. I know this because he told me so.
My direction was to "massage his ego" as a way of managing him. That came from the big boss.
One day I asked this man a yes or no question. And he started to give me a long ass diatribe about nothing.
I don't remember what he said, but at one point I asked "what's the difference?"
Which sent him into a homosexual tizzy.
The man got very mad and started yelling at me. Now for the record at this point in my career I was under the impression that men acted a certain way universally. Men can call each other names and it's kind of normal.
Anyway this queer douche bag thought he was real funny and said, "I don't know. What's the difference between your wife and your mom?"
I said..."I don't know can yuo just answer the question?"
"Well I hope you'd know!" He said as if he just really got me good with that one.
He pissed me off!
So I asked, "What's the difference between your boyfriend and life savers?"
Oh I should tell you that everyone pretended the man wasn't gay
He said back, "Oh fuck you....you don't even have an answer to a retarded question like that"
I said, "Yeah...your boyfriend doesn't come in five different flavors."
I thought it was funny...he didn't
I said
Anyway one of my underlings would never listen. He was very arrogant and condescending when he talked. HE hated the fact that I was younger and made more money. I know this because he told me so.
My direction was to "massage his ego" as a way of managing him. That came from the big boss.
One day I asked this man a yes or no question. And he started to give me a long ass diatribe about nothing.
I don't remember what he said, but at one point I asked "what's the difference?"
Which sent him into a homosexual tizzy.
The man got very mad and started yelling at me. Now for the record at this point in my career I was under the impression that men acted a certain way universally. Men can call each other names and it's kind of normal.
Anyway this queer douche bag thought he was real funny and said, "I don't know. What's the difference between your wife and your mom?"
I said..."I don't know can yuo just answer the question?"
"Well I hope you'd know!" He said as if he just really got me good with that one.
He pissed me off!
So I asked, "What's the difference between your boyfriend and life savers?"
Oh I should tell you that everyone pretended the man wasn't gay
He said back, "Oh fuck you....you don't even have an answer to a retarded question like that"
I said, "Yeah...your boyfriend doesn't come in five different flavors."
I thought it was funny...he didn't
I said
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Glory Hole
Growing up I was very sheltered and I'm a conservative person by nature. I don't know much about dirty deviant things. That being said:
One day a kid named Mike just transfered into my class. There was no honey moon period with this kid. An hour after he got there he was cursing at my worthless classroom aid. So I removed him from the class and put him the time out room. I gave my aid the task of watching the kid until he calmed down.
About 20 minutes later I walked over to check on them. The vice principal waas in there with them and there was a hole in the wall.
The Vice principal, Mr. Z asked, "How did that get there?"
Mike said, "I don't know...it just did."
My worthless aid said. "He throw something or hit it."
What a douche bag he was supposed to be watching the kid! Mike ratted him out and told us that he was left in there alone for awhile.
Mr. Z then asked, "Well...you kicked it? Or is that your glory hole?"
The rest of the incident was fairly uneventful. The creepy part was after. I was in my classroom after school with the aid, Vance Romance. He kept trying to talk about the incident, but the only part he cared to discuss was the comment about the glory hole.
Finally I said, "Why is that funny? What's a glory hole?"
Vance Romance got weird...he wouldn't tell me what it was he told me to go home and look it up. WHATEVER. I didn't care enough to look it up.
The next morning he was still obsessing over the glory hole coment and still refusing to tell me what it was.
Occasionally throughout the day he'd say little creepy things like "Oh maybe you should hit the glory hole later."
I didn't really feed into it because I hated him and I didn't really ever want to talk to him.
Well as luck would have later that same day Mike was in Mr. Z's office after school. Again the incident wasn't a big deal but after the kid left Vance Romance brought up the glory hole comment. Mr. Z said he wished he hadn't made the remark and hoped the kid had forgotten. I STILL DIDN"T KNOW WHAT THE F IT WAS!
The next morning Vance Romance walks over to my desk to show me a picture he downloaded off of the internet. It was a glory hole! It was a woman infront of a hole with a weiner poking through.
For a second I thought...where is this magical place? For a second! Anyway, it made me uncomfortable to have that creepy little bastard showing me this in school. But he wouldn't drop it. He claimed he knew where a glory hole was. He even reported to me that he knew people who went to them...I was typed and I just got the heebee geebee's!
Not that I gave it that much thought but I couldn't make sense of the Hole thing (get it?) in my head. Why would a pretty girl go look for a hole in a wall and...
Maybe a week later Vance Romance was still bringing it up. He was a CREEP!
After school one day I was in Mr. Z's office and I thanked him for getting Vance Romance all fired up about Glory Holes. I explained his creepy comments and the picture he showed me and how he claimed to know where to go find one.
AND THEN! Mr. Z looked slighty offended! He asked, "Are you serious or are you pulling my leg?"
"Serious why?"
"Fags go to glory holes," he said, "I'm not judging believe me I have many friends that are homosexual."
"Shut up!" I said.
"I'm dead serious. They are for fags."
I waved him off I didn't want to finish the conversation.
"If he knows where to go find one he's either hanging out in the truck stop or.."
"I don't want to hear anymore!"
"Think about this," he said, "VR lives at home. No girl friend. No prospects on the horizion."
"Oh...please..I have to work with him." I was begging him to stop.
I explained that for over a week I assumed that there were secret places where women would go and men would go...it didn't occur to me that it was not a heterosexual activity. Especially after Vance Romance told me he knew where to go and that he knew people who went. Vance was a staunch homophobe...or so I thought.
Mr. Z thought it was kind of funny.
The next day I went in to school and told Vance Romance that glory holes were where gay men would congrigate...
"Glory holes are for homo's so let's never discuss them again." I said.
"Not all glory holes are for fags." He said. He was mad! And he stormed out of the room. He never mentioned glory holes again
One day a kid named Mike just transfered into my class. There was no honey moon period with this kid. An hour after he got there he was cursing at my worthless classroom aid. So I removed him from the class and put him the time out room. I gave my aid the task of watching the kid until he calmed down.
About 20 minutes later I walked over to check on them. The vice principal waas in there with them and there was a hole in the wall.
The Vice principal, Mr. Z asked, "How did that get there?"
Mike said, "I don't know...it just did."
My worthless aid said. "He throw something or hit it."
What a douche bag he was supposed to be watching the kid! Mike ratted him out and told us that he was left in there alone for awhile.
Mr. Z then asked, "Well...you kicked it? Or is that your glory hole?"
The rest of the incident was fairly uneventful. The creepy part was after. I was in my classroom after school with the aid, Vance Romance. He kept trying to talk about the incident, but the only part he cared to discuss was the comment about the glory hole.
Finally I said, "Why is that funny? What's a glory hole?"
Vance Romance got weird...he wouldn't tell me what it was he told me to go home and look it up. WHATEVER. I didn't care enough to look it up.
The next morning he was still obsessing over the glory hole coment and still refusing to tell me what it was.
Occasionally throughout the day he'd say little creepy things like "Oh maybe you should hit the glory hole later."
I didn't really feed into it because I hated him and I didn't really ever want to talk to him.
Well as luck would have later that same day Mike was in Mr. Z's office after school. Again the incident wasn't a big deal but after the kid left Vance Romance brought up the glory hole comment. Mr. Z said he wished he hadn't made the remark and hoped the kid had forgotten. I STILL DIDN"T KNOW WHAT THE F IT WAS!
The next morning Vance Romance walks over to my desk to show me a picture he downloaded off of the internet. It was a glory hole! It was a woman infront of a hole with a weiner poking through.
For a second I thought...where is this magical place? For a second! Anyway, it made me uncomfortable to have that creepy little bastard showing me this in school. But he wouldn't drop it. He claimed he knew where a glory hole was. He even reported to me that he knew people who went to them...I was typed and I just got the heebee geebee's!
Not that I gave it that much thought but I couldn't make sense of the Hole thing (get it?) in my head. Why would a pretty girl go look for a hole in a wall and...
Maybe a week later Vance Romance was still bringing it up. He was a CREEP!
After school one day I was in Mr. Z's office and I thanked him for getting Vance Romance all fired up about Glory Holes. I explained his creepy comments and the picture he showed me and how he claimed to know where to go find one.
AND THEN! Mr. Z looked slighty offended! He asked, "Are you serious or are you pulling my leg?"
"Serious why?"
"Fags go to glory holes," he said, "I'm not judging believe me I have many friends that are homosexual."
"Shut up!" I said.
"I'm dead serious. They are for fags."
I waved him off I didn't want to finish the conversation.
"If he knows where to go find one he's either hanging out in the truck stop or.."
"I don't want to hear anymore!"
"Think about this," he said, "VR lives at home. No girl friend. No prospects on the horizion."
"Oh...please..I have to work with him." I was begging him to stop.
I explained that for over a week I assumed that there were secret places where women would go and men would go...it didn't occur to me that it was not a heterosexual activity. Especially after Vance Romance told me he knew where to go and that he knew people who went. Vance was a staunch homophobe...or so I thought.
Mr. Z thought it was kind of funny.
The next day I went in to school and told Vance Romance that glory holes were where gay men would congrigate...
"Glory holes are for homo's so let's never discuss them again." I said.
"Not all glory holes are for fags." He said. He was mad! And he stormed out of the room. He never mentioned glory holes again
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Glamour Shot
For a time a taught in a partial hosptialization program. That is a program that is some academics and a lot of therapy.
One of the assignments for a group therapy session was to create a family collage. The students were to bring in pictures of their families and develop some sort of picture that the A-hole therapist would psycho-analyze.
Less than half the class actually brought pictures in. These kids came from really bad family situations I doubt they had a family photo album.
One student who was a particular pain in the neck went all out for the assignment. He brought pictures of everyone. His dad who he hadn't known, His brother that was in jail. His sister who ran away. And a big picture of his mother in lingerie.
I had never heard of Glamour Shots before. But this woman who was well over 300 pounds saw fit to send her son into school with a picture of her laying on a bed in a red.....thing. With her face painted to look like a hooker.
Honest to God it was like something out of a movie.
The kids was so proud of his collage I didn't have the heart to tell him.
One of the assignments for a group therapy session was to create a family collage. The students were to bring in pictures of their families and develop some sort of picture that the A-hole therapist would psycho-analyze.
Less than half the class actually brought pictures in. These kids came from really bad family situations I doubt they had a family photo album.
One student who was a particular pain in the neck went all out for the assignment. He brought pictures of everyone. His dad who he hadn't known, His brother that was in jail. His sister who ran away. And a big picture of his mother in lingerie.
I had never heard of Glamour Shots before. But this woman who was well over 300 pounds saw fit to send her son into school with a picture of her laying on a bed in a red.....thing. With her face painted to look like a hooker.
Honest to God it was like something out of a movie.
The kids was so proud of his collage I didn't have the heart to tell him.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Vance Romance is a funny guy
After I was made aware that Vance Romance was one to tell little white lies about girls he had "hooked up" with and the fact that his miniscule male memebr would go off if it hit a strong breeze suddenly everything the guy said becuase funny. He had me laughing so much he started to think he was a funny guy. He wasn't at all which made it even funnier. For the record I don't think being a premature ejaculator is funny!
The first time it happened was right after a phone call from a grumpy parent.
He said, "That didn't take long." and I burst out laughing.
And it happened more and more. After a multimedia presentation for the highschool we were wlkaing back to the classroom and he commented, "That was pretty cool, but it was over before I knew it."
Later we had a little contest with our class to see who could finish a word search from the news paper. The little bastard cheated! But I burst ut laughing when he shouted, "I'm DONE!"
Things like this would happen dailey. He started to think it was him! He was funny. He cam ein to school a few weeks later to brag that he met a gilr on myspace.
"Yeah, I had her cracking up. I told her I was funny. Girl really like a sense of humor."
I didn't have the hear to say it, but I was thinking YOU ASSHOLE! the only time yu get us to laugh is when you comment about something not taking long or being finished with something.
There was another time I couldn't figure out something with our computer in the classroom. I asked him to help me. He sat down fixed it right away and said, "That didn't even take me a minute." And again I laughed my ass off.
He'd often take breaks each period go walk around the building. and as he'd leave he'd always say, "don't worry I won't be long."
There will be plenty more in my up coming best selling book Salmonella For The Soul
I started to jot down the things he'd say almost daily that got me to laugh.
The first time it happened was right after a phone call from a grumpy parent.
He said, "That didn't take long." and I burst out laughing.
And it happened more and more. After a multimedia presentation for the highschool we were wlkaing back to the classroom and he commented, "That was pretty cool, but it was over before I knew it."
Later we had a little contest with our class to see who could finish a word search from the news paper. The little bastard cheated! But I burst ut laughing when he shouted, "I'm DONE!"
Things like this would happen dailey. He started to think it was him! He was funny. He cam ein to school a few weeks later to brag that he met a gilr on myspace.
"Yeah, I had her cracking up. I told her I was funny. Girl really like a sense of humor."
I didn't have the hear to say it, but I was thinking YOU ASSHOLE! the only time yu get us to laugh is when you comment about something not taking long or being finished with something.
There was another time I couldn't figure out something with our computer in the classroom. I asked him to help me. He sat down fixed it right away and said, "That didn't even take me a minute." And again I laughed my ass off.
He'd often take breaks each period go walk around the building. and as he'd leave he'd always say, "don't worry I won't be long."
There will be plenty more in my up coming best selling book Salmonella For The Soul
I started to jot down the things he'd say almost daily that got me to laugh.
Friday, September 25, 2009
one year later
The following school year during math class I was working with the same student. There were three other students in the class with us at the time. Out of nowhere he burst into an uncontrolled laughter.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
He couldn't contain himself. He was laughing so hard he was almost crying, which made me laugh eventhou I had no idea what the hell he was luaghing at. And this went on for a few minutes. Then the other kids in the room started to laugh and they didn't know why either. For reasons unknown to everyone but the student who initially started laughing we were all laughing hysterically.
"Can I talk to you in the "time-out" room," he asked.
I agreed, but snce it wasn't urgent we waited until the period was over. When the bell rang he was still giggling like an idiot...so was I. We walked across the hall to a private room.
"OK...you probably don't remember this, but i'll tell you anyway. remember last year when I got my PSP taken away?"
As soon as he said that I remembered! "I don't want to hear this!"
"No it's not bad he," he said, "but I found out that it wasn't a back messager."
YEAH NO SHIT! I didn't know what to tell him this point. Then he went on the explain how he found out that it wasn't a back massager and what it really was.
"Ken and his sister were over my house," he was laughing as he tried to talk, "and Ken's sister started to talk about...sex"
"Enough! I don't want to know anymore. We have school work to do." He laughed some more.
"Have you ever heard of a VA-brater? (pronounced Vuh!-Bra-ter?) It's for girls...I think."
"Oh my God...this isn't for school," I said, "and we're not having this conversation."
"Just listen! This is gross!!!! Oh man I can't believe it...I took apart my mom's Vuh-brater. After Ken's sister told me what it was...or for. I went inside and flipped out on my mom."
"WHAT?!" What were you thinking?" I asked...almost stunned. He continued on.
"I ran inside and yelled at her...I said what the heck is wrong with you woman?" he was explaining his confrontation with his mother. He explained how she had no idea what he was talking about. And they had company over! His aunt and his mom's on-again, off-again boyfriend!!!!! I didn't want to hear it his story but I couldn't stop listening at the same time...it was like a car accident. I didn't want to look but I had to. For some reason...the whole family thought it was the funniest thing that had ever happend!
I asked, "What would possess you to do that? Infront of company????"
He explained. "At first I was pissed...Ken's sister told me you shove that thing in your ass and stuff," he was laughing hysterically, "and I was like ewww that things was up my mom's ass!!! I ran in the house and said HOW DARE YOU????"
All I could do was sit there and listen at this point...I was speechless. He kept going.
"She was like...what are you talking about? And I said...that thing...the thing...Bzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzz thing...
Apparently his mom had already told her sister and her boyfriend what had happend. It didn't take long for them to figure out what he was talking about. And then they all sat around making jokes about not needing the boyfriend around, which my student didn't understand. He asked me to explain some of his mom's jokes...HELL NO!! I told him I didn't get them either
"I can't hear anymore," I said. He tried to keep going but I kept cutting him off after that. I begged him never to repeat that story to anyone.
We had to wait in the "time-out" room until he could control himself..which took a few minutes.
"Oh....I can't believe it! That's SO GROSS!!!!!! I'm never even going in her room again," he said laughing.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
He couldn't contain himself. He was laughing so hard he was almost crying, which made me laugh eventhou I had no idea what the hell he was luaghing at. And this went on for a few minutes. Then the other kids in the room started to laugh and they didn't know why either. For reasons unknown to everyone but the student who initially started laughing we were all laughing hysterically.
"Can I talk to you in the "time-out" room," he asked.
I agreed, but snce it wasn't urgent we waited until the period was over. When the bell rang he was still giggling like an idiot...so was I. We walked across the hall to a private room.
"OK...you probably don't remember this, but i'll tell you anyway. remember last year when I got my PSP taken away?"
As soon as he said that I remembered! "I don't want to hear this!"
"No it's not bad he," he said, "but I found out that it wasn't a back messager."
YEAH NO SHIT! I didn't know what to tell him this point. Then he went on the explain how he found out that it wasn't a back massager and what it really was.
"Ken and his sister were over my house," he was laughing as he tried to talk, "and Ken's sister started to talk about...sex"
"Enough! I don't want to know anymore. We have school work to do." He laughed some more.
"Have you ever heard of a VA-brater? (pronounced Vuh!-Bra-ter?) It's for girls...I think."
"Oh my God...this isn't for school," I said, "and we're not having this conversation."
"Just listen! This is gross!!!! Oh man I can't believe it...I took apart my mom's Vuh-brater. After Ken's sister told me what it was...or for. I went inside and flipped out on my mom."
"WHAT?!" What were you thinking?" I asked...almost stunned. He continued on.
"I ran inside and yelled at her...I said what the heck is wrong with you woman?" he was explaining his confrontation with his mother. He explained how she had no idea what he was talking about. And they had company over! His aunt and his mom's on-again, off-again boyfriend!!!!! I didn't want to hear it his story but I couldn't stop listening at the same time...it was like a car accident. I didn't want to look but I had to. For some reason...the whole family thought it was the funniest thing that had ever happend!
I asked, "What would possess you to do that? Infront of company????"
He explained. "At first I was pissed...Ken's sister told me you shove that thing in your ass and stuff," he was laughing hysterically, "and I was like ewww that things was up my mom's ass!!! I ran in the house and said HOW DARE YOU????"
All I could do was sit there and listen at this point...I was speechless. He kept going.
"She was like...what are you talking about? And I said...that thing...the thing...Bzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzz thing...
Apparently his mom had already told her sister and her boyfriend what had happend. It didn't take long for them to figure out what he was talking about. And then they all sat around making jokes about not needing the boyfriend around, which my student didn't understand. He asked me to explain some of his mom's jokes...HELL NO!! I told him I didn't get them either
"I can't hear anymore," I said. He tried to keep going but I kept cutting him off after that. I begged him never to repeat that story to anyone.
We had to wait in the "time-out" room until he could control himself..which took a few minutes.
"Oh....I can't believe it! That's SO GROSS!!!!!! I'm never even going in her room again," he said laughing.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Back Massage?
One morning one of my all time favorite students came to school in a very bad mood. He stormed into the class and slammed his book bag down on the table.
"What's your problem?" I asked.
"Nothing leave me alone," he said.
I knew the kid well enough to know that if I gave him sometime he'd calm down and then we could work out whatever his issue was. He was 17 years old, but socially he was more like 12. His home life was...not the best.
Usually his bad moods lasted less than an hour. A few times during the day I'd ask him what was bothering him and he would not talk. At one point during math class he got so upset he broke his pencil and told the classroom aid to shut the hell up.
I could tolerate a bad mood as long as he was respectful. I couldn't tolerate him speaking to an adult like that. I escorted the student to a seprate room across the hallway. We used this room as a quiet place for kids to calm down.
The student sat in the one desk we had in the small room.
"What's your problem?"
"Nothing. I just hate that fat idiot!" he said, referring to the classroom aid.
"You came in in a bad mood," I said.
The student put his head down and started to cry. Because I knew the family background I wondered if his behavior had soemthing to do with something that happend at home. Then he spoke.
"Well how would you feel if you got grounded from you bike? And grounded from your play station?"
I said, "I'd probably be mad too, but there is a right way and a wrong way to handle being angry." Then I asked the worst question possible........"What did you do?"
He put his head back down on the desk. Without picking his head he started, "Well first, I was up past my bed time...and I wanted choclate. Then my mom woke up and started bitchin' at me and that;s when she grounded me."
That explanation seemed good enough for me. I said, "Well, you know when it's time for bed you shouldn't give your mom grief about getting choclate or getting ready for school tomorrow."
"She was alreay asleep...I woke her up."
"I'd probably be mad at you too if you woke me up."
"I tried to be quiet but I couldn't get the damn thing back together."
Hhhmmm. What did that mean? This student had a habbit of taking things apart...tv's, computers, telephones, bikes, pretty much anything. Actually it was part of his disablity...honestly.
"What?" I asked.
"Well it was like teo in the morning and I wanted choclate. So I went into my mom's room and she was a sleep. I went into her underwaer drawer to look for candy."
I stopped him there and explained that he should never EVER go into his mom's underwear drawer. But he continued on.
"When I was trying to put the damn thing back together she woke up."
Silly me I asked. "Why did you need to take her dresser apart to look for chocolate at two in the morning on a school night?"
He sat up straight, "Not the dresser... IT WAS HER BACK MASSAGER!!!!!!!!! The Goddamn thing was going off...bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzz. I couldn't put it back together and she woke up. I said SHIT! and I tried to push it under the bed but the damn thing was still going bzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzz"
It took all of my collective strength not to laugh at the kid. "Listen, as a buddy I'm telling you to never repeat this to anyone...ever!"
"Stupid looking back massager...it was blue but bent a little at the end. How was I supposed to know it was a back massager?" He said...completely serious.
I pleaded with him not to discuss the incident any further because my stomach hurt from trying not to laugh.
"Yeah well, she woke up and started cursing me out. She said Bill (fakename) you little bastard...what the F...are you doing?"
I tried to redirect the conversation and explain the importance of listening and being respectful, but the kid was still mad that he was grounded from his bike and his video games. It came to a point where I couldn't hold it and busted out laughing, which caused the kid to start laughing.
There is a second part to this......for tomorrow
"What's your problem?" I asked.
"Nothing leave me alone," he said.
I knew the kid well enough to know that if I gave him sometime he'd calm down and then we could work out whatever his issue was. He was 17 years old, but socially he was more like 12. His home life was...not the best.
Usually his bad moods lasted less than an hour. A few times during the day I'd ask him what was bothering him and he would not talk. At one point during math class he got so upset he broke his pencil and told the classroom aid to shut the hell up.
I could tolerate a bad mood as long as he was respectful. I couldn't tolerate him speaking to an adult like that. I escorted the student to a seprate room across the hallway. We used this room as a quiet place for kids to calm down.
The student sat in the one desk we had in the small room.
"What's your problem?"
"Nothing. I just hate that fat idiot!" he said, referring to the classroom aid.
"You came in in a bad mood," I said.
The student put his head down and started to cry. Because I knew the family background I wondered if his behavior had soemthing to do with something that happend at home. Then he spoke.
"Well how would you feel if you got grounded from you bike? And grounded from your play station?"
I said, "I'd probably be mad too, but there is a right way and a wrong way to handle being angry." Then I asked the worst question possible........"What did you do?"
He put his head back down on the desk. Without picking his head he started, "Well first, I was up past my bed time...and I wanted choclate. Then my mom woke up and started bitchin' at me and that;s when she grounded me."
That explanation seemed good enough for me. I said, "Well, you know when it's time for bed you shouldn't give your mom grief about getting choclate or getting ready for school tomorrow."
"She was alreay asleep...I woke her up."
"I'd probably be mad at you too if you woke me up."
"I tried to be quiet but I couldn't get the damn thing back together."
Hhhmmm. What did that mean? This student had a habbit of taking things apart...tv's, computers, telephones, bikes, pretty much anything. Actually it was part of his disablity...honestly.
"What?" I asked.
"Well it was like teo in the morning and I wanted choclate. So I went into my mom's room and she was a sleep. I went into her underwaer drawer to look for candy."
I stopped him there and explained that he should never EVER go into his mom's underwear drawer. But he continued on.
"When I was trying to put the damn thing back together she woke up."
Silly me I asked. "Why did you need to take her dresser apart to look for chocolate at two in the morning on a school night?"
He sat up straight, "Not the dresser... IT WAS HER BACK MASSAGER!!!!!!!!! The Goddamn thing was going off...bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzz. I couldn't put it back together and she woke up. I said SHIT! and I tried to push it under the bed but the damn thing was still going bzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzz"
It took all of my collective strength not to laugh at the kid. "Listen, as a buddy I'm telling you to never repeat this to anyone...ever!"
"Stupid looking back massager...it was blue but bent a little at the end. How was I supposed to know it was a back massager?" He said...completely serious.
I pleaded with him not to discuss the incident any further because my stomach hurt from trying not to laugh.
"Yeah well, she woke up and started cursing me out. She said Bill (fakename) you little bastard...what the F...are you doing?"
I tried to redirect the conversation and explain the importance of listening and being respectful, but the kid was still mad that he was grounded from his bike and his video games. It came to a point where I couldn't hold it and busted out laughing, which caused the kid to start laughing.
There is a second part to this......for tomorrow
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Health Class Situation.
One afternoon I recieved a call in my classroom from the health teacher.
"We have a health class situation!" And she hung up.
A few moments later the health teacher. Mrs. C...I'll call her Mrs. C because this evil pig is rotten and I can't bring myself to type out the whole "C word"
She was standing at the door with one of my students, Bob. Bob was my one of my favorites. He was diagnosed with Asperger's...a form of autism. He was the best! He was terribly shy and socially awkward.
"Look at this!" she barked. And she shoved two worksheets at me. I looked over the worksheets for less than a second. The worksheets were cartoonish diagrams of the male and female anatomy. They took up almost an entire 8 1/2 by 11 inch page. There were lines pointing to certain areas that the students had to identify. I looked at this for a second and was embarassed.
Bob pushed his way into my room, marched to his desk and put his head down. "Thats what he did in the middle of my class!" Mrs. C stated.
"Bob gets a little shy sometimes," I said.
"Oh...grow up," she snapped.
"Would you like me to work onit with him?"
With that she stormed off. I turned to go talk with Bob...trying not to giggle. This worksheet was ridiculous! It was a giant male weiner and an upskirt shot of a female part...as if an artist drew it while a woman was standing directly over him. There was even a line pointing to the anus for Bob to lable!
"Hey, are you OK now?"
"NO! that's freakin' gross...and the whole class was laughing and pointing to parts."
Even thou he was 17 years old socially Bob was still very immature.
Then my door flew open. Mrs. C stormed in, slammed some crayons on Bob's desk. "Here's the materials he has this period to finish it. I'm grading whatever he has done," and the c-word stormed back out of the room.
"Do I have to do this?" Bob asked...starting to laugh now.
"Yep, do you need help?" I did not want to help. I couldn't even look at the stupid worksheets without laughing and getting red in the face.
Bob laughed some more. "Oh my God! That lady wants us to label the parts and color in...something!"
Bob had his moments. He was my favorite. He helped me after school with stuff and we had the best time in class. I offered to get him a health book so he could cheat a little, but he declined. The two of us made jokes about being embarassed. I sat at my desk while he sat at his. He went right to work occasionally looking up at the ceiling and laughing at how stupid the work sheet was.
About 5 minutes before the period ended Bob asked for a pass to go back to health to turn his work in. As soon as the bell rang for classes to change Mrs. C came flying back into the room again.
"Do you think this is funny!" And she threw the worksheets at me.
"Do I think what is funny? You walking in here and shooting your mouth off? No I don't think that's very funny."
With that she stormed out of the room. I finished what I was doing as some of my students started to enter the room. Another student picked up Bob's work sheets and put them on my desk. That was when I saw what she was so heated about.
Bob had colored the entire male member blue and mislabled some of the parts. Nothing really bad. On the line pointing to the balls he wrote...tentacles. No big deal.
The female part....he colored all brown except for the center part with he colored bright red. Some of the parts were labeled incorrectly. I know this because Mrs. C had circled them in red marker. The words she had circled were. "Nose"...that was written on the line pointing to the clitoris. "Lips"...was on the line for the labia. AND.....Butt Hole on the line pointing to the anus......
At the end of the day the vice princiapl came up to the room to talk about what had happened. He knew Bob and he knew that the kids in my class were emotionally disturbed. He was totally cool with what Bob did. The kid didn't do it with bad intentions...it was just a bullshit assignemnt and the teacher was a c-word. The vice principal was laughing so hard he couldn't even talk. Apparently Mrs. C was so offended by what Bob had turned in she wanted him punished severely.
Bob's work became something of an underground cult object that other teachers wants to see very badly!
She was a c-word!
"We have a health class situation!" And she hung up.
A few moments later the health teacher. Mrs. C...I'll call her Mrs. C because this evil pig is rotten and I can't bring myself to type out the whole "C word"
She was standing at the door with one of my students, Bob. Bob was my one of my favorites. He was diagnosed with Asperger's...a form of autism. He was the best! He was terribly shy and socially awkward.
"Look at this!" she barked. And she shoved two worksheets at me. I looked over the worksheets for less than a second. The worksheets were cartoonish diagrams of the male and female anatomy. They took up almost an entire 8 1/2 by 11 inch page. There were lines pointing to certain areas that the students had to identify. I looked at this for a second and was embarassed.
Bob pushed his way into my room, marched to his desk and put his head down. "Thats what he did in the middle of my class!" Mrs. C stated.
"Bob gets a little shy sometimes," I said.
"Oh...grow up," she snapped.
"Would you like me to work onit with him?"
With that she stormed off. I turned to go talk with Bob...trying not to giggle. This worksheet was ridiculous! It was a giant male weiner and an upskirt shot of a female part...as if an artist drew it while a woman was standing directly over him. There was even a line pointing to the anus for Bob to lable!
"Hey, are you OK now?"
"NO! that's freakin' gross...and the whole class was laughing and pointing to parts."
Even thou he was 17 years old socially Bob was still very immature.
Then my door flew open. Mrs. C stormed in, slammed some crayons on Bob's desk. "Here's the materials he has this period to finish it. I'm grading whatever he has done," and the c-word stormed back out of the room.
"Do I have to do this?" Bob asked...starting to laugh now.
"Yep, do you need help?" I did not want to help. I couldn't even look at the stupid worksheets without laughing and getting red in the face.
Bob laughed some more. "Oh my God! That lady wants us to label the parts and color in...something!"
Bob had his moments. He was my favorite. He helped me after school with stuff and we had the best time in class. I offered to get him a health book so he could cheat a little, but he declined. The two of us made jokes about being embarassed. I sat at my desk while he sat at his. He went right to work occasionally looking up at the ceiling and laughing at how stupid the work sheet was.
About 5 minutes before the period ended Bob asked for a pass to go back to health to turn his work in. As soon as the bell rang for classes to change Mrs. C came flying back into the room again.
"Do you think this is funny!" And she threw the worksheets at me.
"Do I think what is funny? You walking in here and shooting your mouth off? No I don't think that's very funny."
With that she stormed out of the room. I finished what I was doing as some of my students started to enter the room. Another student picked up Bob's work sheets and put them on my desk. That was when I saw what she was so heated about.
Bob had colored the entire male member blue and mislabled some of the parts. Nothing really bad. On the line pointing to the balls he wrote...tentacles. No big deal.
The female part....he colored all brown except for the center part with he colored bright red. Some of the parts were labeled incorrectly. I know this because Mrs. C had circled them in red marker. The words she had circled were. "Nose"...that was written on the line pointing to the clitoris. "Lips"...was on the line for the labia. AND.....Butt Hole on the line pointing to the anus......
At the end of the day the vice princiapl came up to the room to talk about what had happened. He knew Bob and he knew that the kids in my class were emotionally disturbed. He was totally cool with what Bob did. The kid didn't do it with bad intentions...it was just a bullshit assignemnt and the teacher was a c-word. The vice principal was laughing so hard he couldn't even talk. Apparently Mrs. C was so offended by what Bob had turned in she wanted him punished severely.
Bob's work became something of an underground cult object that other teachers wants to see very badly!
She was a c-word!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Part 2...
I'll just stay up later...so I can finish the story.
So...Cleo tries to offer me money because he thinks teachers don't make a lot. Honest to God, the kid was completely genuine and he was offering me money because he thought I needed it. Say whatever you want about him the kid didn't come from much of a background but he had a good heart.
The vice principal didn't observe me that day, but he did come the next day during history class. That day we were watching Roots. When he walked in I shut the movie off. The kids already had a worksheet with some comprehension questions on it.
Before I could even ask anything Cleo raised his hand, "They need to whoop them slaves or thay won't listen, right?"
I didn't know what to say! "Well, I think the thing we need to take away from this was how awful the institution of slavery was."
Cleo, my budy, my favorite student, says, "Man, everybody had slaves back in the day. But you probably need to whoop 'em this way they do the work. I know I'd whoop 'em for not listening."
The vice princiapl was holding up a notebook infront of his face because he was laughing. I had 13 kids in this class 10 of them were black! I tried to redirect the discussion. I started to discuss that the need for cotton and tobacco as a source of money was a reason for the expansion of slavery.
Cleo raised his hand again. "Just cotton and tobacco...no drugs or nothing right? Cuz I think they have slaves in Mexico or something that still grow weed." Cleo turned in his seat to address the vice principal. "Aye yo...we was talking about that and I think if you sell drugs to kids you should be killed." He turned back towards me, "Ain't that right? You always saying to us don't sell drug! You sell drugs to kids you should be shot"
CLEO! He was killing me. I thought for sure I'd get hauled into the office to talk about this!
"Kill them with kindness Cleo! I always say kill them with kindness"
The vice princiapl started to laugh a little bit and interjected himself into the conversation and I guess my history lesson turned into a group discussion about life in general, which is sometimes more appropriate when you work with the population I worked with. After 30 minutes or so the vice princiapl left. He said he really enjoyed my class,but he was a two-faced liar so I was still nervous about getting hauled in and repremanded.
As soon as the door shut I looked right at Cleo. I couldn't be mad at him. He was making his best effort to try and make me look good infront of my boss. Cleo was smiling big. "We did good right?"
"You did better than good", I said.
"You get a raise or something now?"
"Probably," I said back.
"Yo...he was diggin' the whole class. He liked (pronounced like-ded) it when we was talking about the slaves and how you need to handle business with them."
"I think he liked everything."
Cleo said, "We was all raising our hands, nobody did nothing stupid. That was a good job right?"
How could I get mad? I had a class full of criminals who just thought that they put out their best effort for me in front of my boss. The fact that 75% of the class was black and advocating for slavery was probably a discussion for another day. Or the fact that they all agreed that selling drugs to kids should be punishable by death...despite the fact that all of them did it...we could talk about that another day too.
Before dismissal Cleo came up to my desk. He asked me if I was proud of him. I was.
Then he asked me if after this observation if I'd be doing better with money...and if I needed any he could spot me a couple of bucks and I'd never have to pay him back.
I'm not sure if this is a heart warming story or....the complete opposite
So...Cleo tries to offer me money because he thinks teachers don't make a lot. Honest to God, the kid was completely genuine and he was offering me money because he thought I needed it. Say whatever you want about him the kid didn't come from much of a background but he had a good heart.
The vice principal didn't observe me that day, but he did come the next day during history class. That day we were watching Roots. When he walked in I shut the movie off. The kids already had a worksheet with some comprehension questions on it.
Before I could even ask anything Cleo raised his hand, "They need to whoop them slaves or thay won't listen, right?"
I didn't know what to say! "Well, I think the thing we need to take away from this was how awful the institution of slavery was."
Cleo, my budy, my favorite student, says, "Man, everybody had slaves back in the day. But you probably need to whoop 'em this way they do the work. I know I'd whoop 'em for not listening."
The vice princiapl was holding up a notebook infront of his face because he was laughing. I had 13 kids in this class 10 of them were black! I tried to redirect the discussion. I started to discuss that the need for cotton and tobacco as a source of money was a reason for the expansion of slavery.
Cleo raised his hand again. "Just cotton and tobacco...no drugs or nothing right? Cuz I think they have slaves in Mexico or something that still grow weed." Cleo turned in his seat to address the vice principal. "Aye yo...we was talking about that and I think if you sell drugs to kids you should be killed." He turned back towards me, "Ain't that right? You always saying to us don't sell drug! You sell drugs to kids you should be shot"
CLEO! He was killing me. I thought for sure I'd get hauled into the office to talk about this!
"Kill them with kindness Cleo! I always say kill them with kindness"
The vice princiapl started to laugh a little bit and interjected himself into the conversation and I guess my history lesson turned into a group discussion about life in general, which is sometimes more appropriate when you work with the population I worked with. After 30 minutes or so the vice princiapl left. He said he really enjoyed my class,but he was a two-faced liar so I was still nervous about getting hauled in and repremanded.
As soon as the door shut I looked right at Cleo. I couldn't be mad at him. He was making his best effort to try and make me look good infront of my boss. Cleo was smiling big. "We did good right?"
"You did better than good", I said.
"You get a raise or something now?"
"Probably," I said back.
"Yo...he was diggin' the whole class. He liked (pronounced like-ded) it when we was talking about the slaves and how you need to handle business with them."
"I think he liked everything."
Cleo said, "We was all raising our hands, nobody did nothing stupid. That was a good job right?"
How could I get mad? I had a class full of criminals who just thought that they put out their best effort for me in front of my boss. The fact that 75% of the class was black and advocating for slavery was probably a discussion for another day. Or the fact that they all agreed that selling drugs to kids should be punishable by death...despite the fact that all of them did it...we could talk about that another day too.
Before dismissal Cleo came up to my desk. He asked me if I was proud of him. I was.
Then he asked me if after this observation if I'd be doing better with money...and if I needed any he could spot me a couple of bucks and I'd never have to pay him back.
I'm not sure if this is a heart warming story or....the complete opposite
Do it for the money???
This will be a short one because I have work to do for my real job.
About 6 or 7 years ago the teachers were working without a contract. I never paid much attention to that stuff anyway. All I knew was that we were in contract negotiations and my check was the same size as it was the year before.
The school that I taught in had a rule that kids couldn't have more than 10 dollars on them at a time. It was a measure the administration took to hopefully reduce some of the drug dealing.
One of my students was well known for his involvemnt in gangs and selling drugs. On paper we should have been mortal enemies. But we were the best of buds. Anything I asked the kids to do he did to the best of his ability. He had 100's of incidents with other teachers. He never once gave me a problem.
One morning the vice principal was in my room and he told me that later I would be getting a formal observation. No big deal. As he was walking out the student..Cleo was walking in. Cleo went to take his seat and suddenly realized something.
He had a wade of cash...tens and twenties...he asked me to hold it for him. So I did I didn't turn it over. I know he needed the money. I knew how he got it but...well he needed the money.
After school he asked me for it back and I gave it to him. And then Cleo tried to ripoff a few twenties for me. He said, "Man you teachers don't make no money. I gotts a couple dollars...here you don't need to say nothing or pay me back or nothing."
I didn't take the money.
PART 2 tomorrow
About 6 or 7 years ago the teachers were working without a contract. I never paid much attention to that stuff anyway. All I knew was that we were in contract negotiations and my check was the same size as it was the year before.
The school that I taught in had a rule that kids couldn't have more than 10 dollars on them at a time. It was a measure the administration took to hopefully reduce some of the drug dealing.
One of my students was well known for his involvemnt in gangs and selling drugs. On paper we should have been mortal enemies. But we were the best of buds. Anything I asked the kids to do he did to the best of his ability. He had 100's of incidents with other teachers. He never once gave me a problem.
One morning the vice principal was in my room and he told me that later I would be getting a formal observation. No big deal. As he was walking out the student..Cleo was walking in. Cleo went to take his seat and suddenly realized something.
He had a wade of cash...tens and twenties...he asked me to hold it for him. So I did I didn't turn it over. I know he needed the money. I knew how he got it but...well he needed the money.
After school he asked me for it back and I gave it to him. And then Cleo tried to ripoff a few twenties for me. He said, "Man you teachers don't make no money. I gotts a couple dollars...here you don't need to say nothing or pay me back or nothing."
I didn't take the money.
PART 2 tomorrow
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Another Ms. Crap Story.
Ms. Crap as I have reported before is a liar, and a back stabber, and as an individual she is just a piece of shit. She suffers from UGS (Ugly Girls Syndrome)
She really has nothing going for her. She's ugly. She's stuck in a deadend job. She's such a shithead that every other school district in the area thinks she's worthless. I think the only cure for the headache she has is a 12 gauge Tylenol.
Anyway. Ms. Crap likes to talk about how she notices other men checking her out or undressing her with there eyes. I bleieve these men, if they are looking at her, are looking at her the same way they'd look at a car accident.
Once after a particularly heated meeting with a parent Ms. Crap and I were debriefing and making some notes. Ms. Crap suddenly swithced topics and reported that it was hard for her to concentrate with the father of the student we were meeting about staring at her tits. Her exact words were, "It was hard for me to think with Mr. G----- staring at my tits."
In addtition to having a hideous face her body was...unique...I think it might be the only one of its kind. To describe her physique would that days....maybe tomorrow.
On with my story. The meeting was a wash, nothing got accomplished. We sat to discuss what our next move would be and she wanted to talk about the father looking at her. I guaran-damn-tee the dad wasn't...she was quite pleased with her story and sited several instances where she noticed the fathre looking at her mishapen tits. In an act of despreation I put my head down on the table where we weer sitting. Apparently I offended her by putting my head down.
In a huff Ms. Crap turned quickly, spun in her chair and bent over to pick up her purse. When she bent over.........she farted.
Do you know how uncomfortable it is to be alone with a very ugly woman,who suffers from UGS, who is talking about how a man was checking her out, when you know it's not even remotely true...and then the pig turns too fast in her seat and farts right infront of you like a frickin farm animal?
Terrible!
She really has nothing going for her. She's ugly. She's stuck in a deadend job. She's such a shithead that every other school district in the area thinks she's worthless. I think the only cure for the headache she has is a 12 gauge Tylenol.
Anyway. Ms. Crap likes to talk about how she notices other men checking her out or undressing her with there eyes. I bleieve these men, if they are looking at her, are looking at her the same way they'd look at a car accident.
Once after a particularly heated meeting with a parent Ms. Crap and I were debriefing and making some notes. Ms. Crap suddenly swithced topics and reported that it was hard for her to concentrate with the father of the student we were meeting about staring at her tits. Her exact words were, "It was hard for me to think with Mr. G----- staring at my tits."
In addtition to having a hideous face her body was...unique...I think it might be the only one of its kind. To describe her physique would that days....maybe tomorrow.
On with my story. The meeting was a wash, nothing got accomplished. We sat to discuss what our next move would be and she wanted to talk about the father looking at her. I guaran-damn-tee the dad wasn't...she was quite pleased with her story and sited several instances where she noticed the fathre looking at her mishapen tits. In an act of despreation I put my head down on the table where we weer sitting. Apparently I offended her by putting my head down.
In a huff Ms. Crap turned quickly, spun in her chair and bent over to pick up her purse. When she bent over.........she farted.
Do you know how uncomfortable it is to be alone with a very ugly woman,who suffers from UGS, who is talking about how a man was checking her out, when you know it's not even remotely true...and then the pig turns too fast in her seat and farts right infront of you like a frickin farm animal?
Terrible!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Teacher of the Year
I used to work with a woman who bore a striking resemblence to Kevin Bacon. This woman was consumed with shameless self promotion. Honestly, she couldn't hold a simple conversation without commenting about how good she was at something, anything.
A spent one abbreviated school year as her supervisor. If I said she was a pain in the ass it would be an understatement. Mrs. Bacon (no relation to the actor) and I had a very tenuous relationship. It was tenuous because she hated me and had no problem fabricating any story she liked to try to defame and discredit me as a professional. I'll have many more posts about Mrs. Bacon in the future.
Mrs. Bacon thought she was a very smooth operator. I truly think she believed her own bullshit. One fateful day she made an appointment to meet with me in my office.
When the time came to meet she didn't show up. My office was literally ten feet from her classroom. When she didn't show up I didn't care I had plenty to do anyway. After about ten minutes I heard her door shut. She didn't come to my office, instead she paraded around the hallway apparently talking to a parent. After a few moments she returned to her room and I continued working on what ever I was working on.
A few minutes passed by again. Again she was in the hallway speaking loudly on her cordless phone. I could clearly hear her say, "You know me...there isn't anything I wouldn't do for one of my students."
She returned to her room again. I went back to work. A few more minutes passed by and she was back in the hallway talking loudly. "I know it's after my contracted hours but I just wanted to touch base."
This time I took the bait. I got up from my desk and looked out in the hallway. Mrs. bacon was looking directly at more door way. When I appeared she jumped back and acted as if she was totaly startled by my presence. She raised her hand in the air to signal that I should remain quiet while she finished her conversation. She reported to the invisible person on the other end of the line that her supervisor was there to meet with her. She hit the bottom on the ancient looking cordless phone to end the phone call.
Less than a second or two later I could clearly hear a dial tone. Mrs. bacon was not on the phone with anyone. It took her less than a second she realized what had just happened and she pushed the botton again to hang up. With out missing a beat she stated, "I had no idea you were in your office. Do you have time to meet now?"
"Sure."
"If you don't mind I prefer to meet in my classroom."
"Sure"
The two of us went in to her classroom. Mrs. Bacon made sure to scan the hallway. Why? I don't know. It seemed very odd, but then again so did pretending to be on the phone with a parent.
Mrs. Bacon started in right away. "You know I have a lot of special programming that I do in addition to the curriculum that I teach that I have personally modified to meet the needs of all of my students." She would over emphasize the words "I" and "my" After one sentence her face was red, her speach was rapid, and the look on her face was priceless. She continued on. "I don't need the awards and accolades...look around this room! LOOK AT THE BLING!"
I sat there listening thinking to myself...look at the bling? This woman was nuts.
She continued appearing to be on the verge of tears.
"You know where I'm coming from. You work your ass off and where's the pay off? Where's the recognition? People see test scores it doesn't matter how many awards you win."
Where the F was this lady going with this conversation? She looked like she was going to cry and I wanted to leave the room. But she pressed on.
"Five time teacher of year! But that won't be printed in the paper next to the fucking PSSA scores!"
Whoa! I wanted to laugh but I sat there. I hated this woman. She was a bad teacher and a rotten individual. She was a liar and a gossipmonger.
She appeared to gain her composure in a matter of seconds. Again very odd! Then she said, "To be recognized for the awards I was just referencing you need to be nominated by an administrator. I don't know if thats something you'd be interested in."
So it became very clear. This asshole wanted me to nominate her.
She continued. "If it is something you're interested in I have...right over here...a packet with all of the information."
She walked over to her desk picked up a folder with my name on it and proceeded to hand it to me with a big stupid smile on her face.
The piece of shit wanted me to fill out some bullshit packet and include a written narrative in support of her for teacher of the year. Unfortunatley for Mrs. Bacon my opinion of her was not nearly as high as her opinion of herself.
Mrs. Bacon was a worthless individual. Her kids hate her. Her husband hates her but is an asshole too. ANd I hated her...still do! Only days before this meeting Mrs. Bacon had approached me and requested that I remove another teacher from there position and replace that teacher with her husband. During that conversation Mrs. Bacon made several nasty statements about a woman I'll call Ms. Quasimoto. Mrs. Bacon wanted me to remove Ms. Quasimoto from her spot because she was going through a divorce, she might have cancer, she dressed "too common", and she was less suited to do the job than Mrs. Bacon's husband. All great reasons I'm sure to demote someone.
Anyway, Mrs. Bacon was standing there infront of me smiling waiting for my response. I shit you not when I say that the look on her face went from angel to demon in a split second when she heard me say...
"I would be very interested in that, thankyou. Ms. Quasimoto has done an outstanding job...she deserves to be recognized and so do the kids in her program."
Holy shit! I thought she was going to hit me! All she said was "Oh." At first I was so happy to have shit in her kitchen sink, but then the woman looked so scorned that I was nervous. The next day I was still a little shook and...I even went into her classroom to kiss her ass a little and tell her what a great teacher I thought she was. I wanted to throw up on myslef after, but that's how evil she looked when I told her I'd do it for Quasi and not her!
A spent one abbreviated school year as her supervisor. If I said she was a pain in the ass it would be an understatement. Mrs. Bacon (no relation to the actor) and I had a very tenuous relationship. It was tenuous because she hated me and had no problem fabricating any story she liked to try to defame and discredit me as a professional. I'll have many more posts about Mrs. Bacon in the future.
Mrs. Bacon thought she was a very smooth operator. I truly think she believed her own bullshit. One fateful day she made an appointment to meet with me in my office.
When the time came to meet she didn't show up. My office was literally ten feet from her classroom. When she didn't show up I didn't care I had plenty to do anyway. After about ten minutes I heard her door shut. She didn't come to my office, instead she paraded around the hallway apparently talking to a parent. After a few moments she returned to her room and I continued working on what ever I was working on.
A few minutes passed by again. Again she was in the hallway speaking loudly on her cordless phone. I could clearly hear her say, "You know me...there isn't anything I wouldn't do for one of my students."
She returned to her room again. I went back to work. A few more minutes passed by and she was back in the hallway talking loudly. "I know it's after my contracted hours but I just wanted to touch base."
This time I took the bait. I got up from my desk and looked out in the hallway. Mrs. bacon was looking directly at more door way. When I appeared she jumped back and acted as if she was totaly startled by my presence. She raised her hand in the air to signal that I should remain quiet while she finished her conversation. She reported to the invisible person on the other end of the line that her supervisor was there to meet with her. She hit the bottom on the ancient looking cordless phone to end the phone call.
Less than a second or two later I could clearly hear a dial tone. Mrs. bacon was not on the phone with anyone. It took her less than a second she realized what had just happened and she pushed the botton again to hang up. With out missing a beat she stated, "I had no idea you were in your office. Do you have time to meet now?"
"Sure."
"If you don't mind I prefer to meet in my classroom."
"Sure"
The two of us went in to her classroom. Mrs. Bacon made sure to scan the hallway. Why? I don't know. It seemed very odd, but then again so did pretending to be on the phone with a parent.
Mrs. Bacon started in right away. "You know I have a lot of special programming that I do in addition to the curriculum that I teach that I have personally modified to meet the needs of all of my students." She would over emphasize the words "I" and "my" After one sentence her face was red, her speach was rapid, and the look on her face was priceless. She continued on. "I don't need the awards and accolades...look around this room! LOOK AT THE BLING!"
I sat there listening thinking to myself...look at the bling? This woman was nuts.
She continued appearing to be on the verge of tears.
"You know where I'm coming from. You work your ass off and where's the pay off? Where's the recognition? People see test scores it doesn't matter how many awards you win."
Where the F was this lady going with this conversation? She looked like she was going to cry and I wanted to leave the room. But she pressed on.
"Five time teacher of year! But that won't be printed in the paper next to the fucking PSSA scores!"
Whoa! I wanted to laugh but I sat there. I hated this woman. She was a bad teacher and a rotten individual. She was a liar and a gossipmonger.
She appeared to gain her composure in a matter of seconds. Again very odd! Then she said, "To be recognized for the awards I was just referencing you need to be nominated by an administrator. I don't know if thats something you'd be interested in."
So it became very clear. This asshole wanted me to nominate her.
She continued. "If it is something you're interested in I have...right over here...a packet with all of the information."
She walked over to her desk picked up a folder with my name on it and proceeded to hand it to me with a big stupid smile on her face.
The piece of shit wanted me to fill out some bullshit packet and include a written narrative in support of her for teacher of the year. Unfortunatley for Mrs. Bacon my opinion of her was not nearly as high as her opinion of herself.
Mrs. Bacon was a worthless individual. Her kids hate her. Her husband hates her but is an asshole too. ANd I hated her...still do! Only days before this meeting Mrs. Bacon had approached me and requested that I remove another teacher from there position and replace that teacher with her husband. During that conversation Mrs. Bacon made several nasty statements about a woman I'll call Ms. Quasimoto. Mrs. Bacon wanted me to remove Ms. Quasimoto from her spot because she was going through a divorce, she might have cancer, she dressed "too common", and she was less suited to do the job than Mrs. Bacon's husband. All great reasons I'm sure to demote someone.
Anyway, Mrs. Bacon was standing there infront of me smiling waiting for my response. I shit you not when I say that the look on her face went from angel to demon in a split second when she heard me say...
"I would be very interested in that, thankyou. Ms. Quasimoto has done an outstanding job...she deserves to be recognized and so do the kids in her program."
Holy shit! I thought she was going to hit me! All she said was "Oh." At first I was so happy to have shit in her kitchen sink, but then the woman looked so scorned that I was nervous. The next day I was still a little shook and...I even went into her classroom to kiss her ass a little and tell her what a great teacher I thought she was. I wanted to throw up on myslef after, but that's how evil she looked when I told her I'd do it for Quasi and not her!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
A request for Vance Romance
I had a request for a new Vance Romance story today.
Vance Romance had this habit of claiming to have "hooked up" with girls. When we worked together it was in a highschool. There were a dozen or so women about our age that were teachers there. Vance had told me on more than one occasion that he "hooked up" with five of them. After sometime he recanted and told me that there were rumors about him and one of the women but he definitley hooked up with the other 4.
One of these women was a bitch. A real bitch! She was never happy. She always had a nasty comment for someone or about someone. I was always coordial to her and I even joked around with her sometimes. She never joked back but I already told you, she's a bitch.
One day after school I needed a key to open a door. I had a key but didn't have it on me. I asked Vance to ask this woman if we could use her key. Vance was a worthless individual nas immediately asked another man. I'll call this man Dick...because he's a dick.
And ofcourse Dick refuses and said, "I just heard him ask you. You can't walk over there.
Vance started to act sheepish and embarassed. " I don't want to talk to her."
I was holding some heavy boxes waiting for someone to get the key to open the FN door and I said. "Dick could you just get the key"
Right away Dick fires back at Vance, "What is there something there...or should I ask was there something there?"
Vance plainly stated back, "There used to be."
That was all Dick need to hear. He marched right over to the woman. "Hey, Ms. Snapperhead...I came over here to ask to borrow your key because Vance was afraid to."
I didn't laugh because I was holding heavy boxes. But, Vance turned to me and whispered, "What an asshole."
Ms. Snapperhead wouldn't cough up the key, but she offered to open the door. As she and Dick walked towards us Dick started to tease her about Vance. I didn't hear the first thing he said, but I did hear her say, "WHAT!"
Dick continued on, "Come on Vance is a good guy you should at least give him another shot."
Ms. Snapper head said, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Vance put his head down and power-walked away! But before he got out of earshot I know he head Dick ask, "You and Vance were never an item?"
Ms. Snapperhead looked seriously pissed. "NO! NEVER! Did he tell you that?"
I knew she was pissed. Dick thought she was joking around. Dick looked at me and aske, "Didn't he just say there was something between them...as in they were in a relationship."
I giggled...I was uncomfortable.
Ms. Snapperhead was angry...very angry. "That's a lie...what did he tell you? What the fuck is he telling people."
Disk wised up and said, "Nothing I was just joking."
Ms. Snapperhead walked away in a huff. I dropped my boxes off. Dick and I went to go tease Vance.
When we found him we were laughing to hard to make fun of him. Vance didn't laugh. He did stick to his guns though. "She's a liar! I did to hook up with her...a long time ago. It happened in highschool."
I can't remember a time where I felt bad for someone but couldn't stop laughing at the same time.
About a year later I did ask Ms. Snapperhead about her relationship with Vance. She did go to highschool with him. She has no memory of him in high school.
To this day Vance swears he "hooked up" with this woman.
Vance gets paid to work with kids......
Vance Romance had this habit of claiming to have "hooked up" with girls. When we worked together it was in a highschool. There were a dozen or so women about our age that were teachers there. Vance had told me on more than one occasion that he "hooked up" with five of them. After sometime he recanted and told me that there were rumors about him and one of the women but he definitley hooked up with the other 4.
One of these women was a bitch. A real bitch! She was never happy. She always had a nasty comment for someone or about someone. I was always coordial to her and I even joked around with her sometimes. She never joked back but I already told you, she's a bitch.
One day after school I needed a key to open a door. I had a key but didn't have it on me. I asked Vance to ask this woman if we could use her key. Vance was a worthless individual nas immediately asked another man. I'll call this man Dick...because he's a dick.
And ofcourse Dick refuses and said, "I just heard him ask you. You can't walk over there.
Vance started to act sheepish and embarassed. " I don't want to talk to her."
I was holding some heavy boxes waiting for someone to get the key to open the FN door and I said. "Dick could you just get the key"
Right away Dick fires back at Vance, "What is there something there...or should I ask was there something there?"
Vance plainly stated back, "There used to be."
That was all Dick need to hear. He marched right over to the woman. "Hey, Ms. Snapperhead...I came over here to ask to borrow your key because Vance was afraid to."
I didn't laugh because I was holding heavy boxes. But, Vance turned to me and whispered, "What an asshole."
Ms. Snapperhead wouldn't cough up the key, but she offered to open the door. As she and Dick walked towards us Dick started to tease her about Vance. I didn't hear the first thing he said, but I did hear her say, "WHAT!"
Dick continued on, "Come on Vance is a good guy you should at least give him another shot."
Ms. Snapper head said, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Vance put his head down and power-walked away! But before he got out of earshot I know he head Dick ask, "You and Vance were never an item?"
Ms. Snapperhead looked seriously pissed. "NO! NEVER! Did he tell you that?"
I knew she was pissed. Dick thought she was joking around. Dick looked at me and aske, "Didn't he just say there was something between them...as in they were in a relationship."
I giggled...I was uncomfortable.
Ms. Snapperhead was angry...very angry. "That's a lie...what did he tell you? What the fuck is he telling people."
Disk wised up and said, "Nothing I was just joking."
Ms. Snapperhead walked away in a huff. I dropped my boxes off. Dick and I went to go tease Vance.
When we found him we were laughing to hard to make fun of him. Vance didn't laugh. He did stick to his guns though. "She's a liar! I did to hook up with her...a long time ago. It happened in highschool."
I can't remember a time where I felt bad for someone but couldn't stop laughing at the same time.
About a year later I did ask Ms. Snapperhead about her relationship with Vance. She did go to highschool with him. She has no memory of him in high school.
To this day Vance swears he "hooked up" with this woman.
Vance gets paid to work with kids......
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
A Real Shit Bird
This isn't very funny but this is a true story. Actually all these strories are true. the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
My first interview for a teaching position consisted of a few questions completley unrelated to teaching and some good advise from a real shit stick.
I arrived to the building a few minutes early. I waited outside the asst. special ed directors office. After a short time he brought me in to his office and had me sit. He took about five minutes to page through my file.
Do you know how long five minutes is when you're 22 and slightly nervous. Holy Shit. And this bone job was paging through my stuff making faces and sighing like he was really put out by the whole event. Then after five long ass minutes he looks and says "Oh...are you Jesse's buddy?"
I said, "Yeah"
He let out a stupid little laugh, dropped my file on the desk and said, "Fuck this then. we'll have to sit in here and bull shit for awhile or the cunt across the hall will run up to the director crying nepotism."
To be honest I was pretty happy at the time. He continued on, "you're the kid from PV, the football player?"
I said, "No that's my brother. I played baseball."
He said, "Oh shit thats right now I remember. You're brother doesn't fuck around on the football feild."
We engaged in some more small talk about football, which I know nothing about. The this shit bird gave me sagely advise.
He looked at the clock and said, "Five more minutes should make it look like we went through everything. But I'll tell you these are tough, tough kids. I guy your size...I'll tell you exactly how to set the tone for the year. First day...walk in introduce yourself...and when you do this these asshole kids will try to test you believe. You grab the biggest nigger in the class and fucking blast him. Don't hurt him just send a message to everyone that you're not the guy to fuck with."
I didn't know what to say back. I just sat there. I was happy to have a job.
Then he stood up and shook my hand. "I'll let you get the fuck out of here. You probably have better shit to do anyway. And! AND! If anyone asks about your interview you tell 'em it was fucking brutal. You were grilled. I have a rule...you fuck me once and I'm done with you. You got it? I hire good people to do a good job. If I can't trust 'em I have no use for 'em. You got it? You know what they say about shit?
At the time I didn't know shit...so I just shook my head to say no.
"No? A fuckin' hillybilly like you...Shit rolls down hill. Right now you're at the bottom of the fuckin' hill. And me...I don't owe you a thing. I don't have to give you a job. But, I trust Jesse and I trust Jesse's opinion."
I turned to leave still happy I had a job and he whistled for me to stop.
"Now I'm going to tell you one thing. This fucking cunt across the hall. You gotta watch her. She's a fucking bitch and she just likes to start shit...you know the type. Watch what you say to her. She'll take any little thing you say and fucking twist it into something...OK? When you're in with her just fucking yes her to death. She'll be calling you to come back to go over your benfits, sickdays shit like that."
So I left that day happy to have a job. I'll write more about this smack job in the future. But, he was right about one thing the woman across the hall was a complete turd. When I did come back for her to go over my benfits she grilled me on my interview. She was such a condescending dick head. While going over my benefits package she would remind me that she had more education then I did, more experience then I did, and a bunch of other items not even remotely related to my FN benfits package. She did tell me I'd be working with Moleman and she would be very interested to find out what his work ethic was like. She warned me to call her if Moleman wasn't doing his job... I'll write about her more too.
Quality individuals we have running our schools.
For the record, my first day of school I didn't beat up anyone. Actually the class I had was 6-8. There were only 4 kids to start and they were all white kids. that's not to say if they weren't I would have put my hands on them
My first interview for a teaching position consisted of a few questions completley unrelated to teaching and some good advise from a real shit stick.
I arrived to the building a few minutes early. I waited outside the asst. special ed directors office. After a short time he brought me in to his office and had me sit. He took about five minutes to page through my file.
Do you know how long five minutes is when you're 22 and slightly nervous. Holy Shit. And this bone job was paging through my stuff making faces and sighing like he was really put out by the whole event. Then after five long ass minutes he looks and says "Oh...are you Jesse's buddy?"
I said, "Yeah"
He let out a stupid little laugh, dropped my file on the desk and said, "Fuck this then. we'll have to sit in here and bull shit for awhile or the cunt across the hall will run up to the director crying nepotism."
To be honest I was pretty happy at the time. He continued on, "you're the kid from PV, the football player?"
I said, "No that's my brother. I played baseball."
He said, "Oh shit thats right now I remember. You're brother doesn't fuck around on the football feild."
We engaged in some more small talk about football, which I know nothing about. The this shit bird gave me sagely advise.
He looked at the clock and said, "Five more minutes should make it look like we went through everything. But I'll tell you these are tough, tough kids. I guy your size...I'll tell you exactly how to set the tone for the year. First day...walk in introduce yourself...and when you do this these asshole kids will try to test you believe. You grab the biggest nigger in the class and fucking blast him. Don't hurt him just send a message to everyone that you're not the guy to fuck with."
I didn't know what to say back. I just sat there. I was happy to have a job.
Then he stood up and shook my hand. "I'll let you get the fuck out of here. You probably have better shit to do anyway. And! AND! If anyone asks about your interview you tell 'em it was fucking brutal. You were grilled. I have a rule...you fuck me once and I'm done with you. You got it? I hire good people to do a good job. If I can't trust 'em I have no use for 'em. You got it? You know what they say about shit?
At the time I didn't know shit...so I just shook my head to say no.
"No? A fuckin' hillybilly like you...Shit rolls down hill. Right now you're at the bottom of the fuckin' hill. And me...I don't owe you a thing. I don't have to give you a job. But, I trust Jesse and I trust Jesse's opinion."
I turned to leave still happy I had a job and he whistled for me to stop.
"Now I'm going to tell you one thing. This fucking cunt across the hall. You gotta watch her. She's a fucking bitch and she just likes to start shit...you know the type. Watch what you say to her. She'll take any little thing you say and fucking twist it into something...OK? When you're in with her just fucking yes her to death. She'll be calling you to come back to go over your benfits, sickdays shit like that."
So I left that day happy to have a job. I'll write more about this smack job in the future. But, he was right about one thing the woman across the hall was a complete turd. When I did come back for her to go over my benfits she grilled me on my interview. She was such a condescending dick head. While going over my benefits package she would remind me that she had more education then I did, more experience then I did, and a bunch of other items not even remotely related to my FN benfits package. She did tell me I'd be working with Moleman and she would be very interested to find out what his work ethic was like. She warned me to call her if Moleman wasn't doing his job... I'll write about her more too.
Quality individuals we have running our schools.
For the record, my first day of school I didn't beat up anyone. Actually the class I had was 6-8. There were only 4 kids to start and they were all white kids. that's not to say if they weren't I would have put my hands on them
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Don't tread on me
My new mission in life (not really) is to expose as many shit birds as possible. In 32 years of life on this earth I've had as much as I can take of assholes. Some people can go thruogh life perfectly content to look the other way and not worry about how some bone job is laying in wait...ready to stick a knife in their back. Curerntly I don't have enough money to do and say what I'd like....but soon I will. But i'm fed up with fake, smack jobs just looking to self promote.
Like today for example. I got 6 phone calls and 6 more e-mails from Mr. Rat. I call him Mr. Rat becuase he looks like a rat and he's a little two-faced bastard.
This douche bag continues to lie. Honestly, we work in a public school. 99% of the time we need to discuss either discipline issues or scheduling issues. I can't think of one reason a well educated professional would consistantly lie about relativley unimportant items. But Mr. Rat does...a lot.
Today for example he sent out an email and CC'd all of the other administrators claiming that I neglected to complete a task. A task I assigned to myself. And a task I had completed. I also sent him an email when I had completed this task to report my findings.
So I call this shit bird to ask him what his deal is. He tells me he wasn't aware and never recieved my email. He suggested I have the tech people look at it to see if there is a virus.
So, just to be an asshole I went into my sent email and forwarded it back to him and CC'd everyone he did. Awhile later he calls me back wanting to know if there was a reason I had sent that email and carbon copied others into it. I told him I was just trying to keep everyone in the loop. He said some people would read that and it would appear to them as if we don't communicate. I offered to send out another email to clarify my intensions. He begged me not to and suggested in the future I talk to him before sending out group emails. How re-fuckin-tarded is this bone job. And this asshole runs a school. Holy Shit. And the best part is I get to go back tomorrow and do it all again.......
FU Mr. Rat
19
Like today for example. I got 6 phone calls and 6 more e-mails from Mr. Rat. I call him Mr. Rat becuase he looks like a rat and he's a little two-faced bastard.
This douche bag continues to lie. Honestly, we work in a public school. 99% of the time we need to discuss either discipline issues or scheduling issues. I can't think of one reason a well educated professional would consistantly lie about relativley unimportant items. But Mr. Rat does...a lot.
Today for example he sent out an email and CC'd all of the other administrators claiming that I neglected to complete a task. A task I assigned to myself. And a task I had completed. I also sent him an email when I had completed this task to report my findings.
So I call this shit bird to ask him what his deal is. He tells me he wasn't aware and never recieved my email. He suggested I have the tech people look at it to see if there is a virus.
So, just to be an asshole I went into my sent email and forwarded it back to him and CC'd everyone he did. Awhile later he calls me back wanting to know if there was a reason I had sent that email and carbon copied others into it. I told him I was just trying to keep everyone in the loop. He said some people would read that and it would appear to them as if we don't communicate. I offered to send out another email to clarify my intensions. He begged me not to and suggested in the future I talk to him before sending out group emails. How re-fuckin-tarded is this bone job. And this asshole runs a school. Holy Shit. And the best part is I get to go back tomorrow and do it all again.......
FU Mr. Rat
19
Monday, September 14, 2009
Embrace This
I was thinking about the shit birds and the other pieces of shit I had to work with for the better part of a decade today. And a thought occured to me..."just let it go" There is no reason to be bitter or hold a grudge. Then I had a second thought. Fuck that! Embrace it! I don't have many hobbies and anything I can do to bring them some discomfort and bring me a smile is well worth it....
But as I was thinking about that the term "bitter" reminded me of an incident that was probably one of the first little.....petty things that eventually caused several professional adults to colude and conspire against me.
One morning I was really tired. I was with my supervisor and the 2 homosexual psychologists that I supervised Neil and Bob. Actually one is really homosexual and I really can't see the other one getting any ass so he might as well be.
My supervisor snapped at me and said, "You fucking turd quit your bitching"
I said, "I'm just bitter today for some reason."
Then Neil in his homo-sarcastic tone said, "You are what you eat."
I wasn't really thinking at the time and I said back, "Shut up, asshole."
I thought it was just good natured locker room talk between the boys.
Apparently not......
and if you didn't get it let me explain. I was bitter because I was eating something bitter. And he's an asshole for the same reason..
incidentally Neil, Bob, Ms. Crap, Vance Romance........all shit birds and all friends
But as I was thinking about that the term "bitter" reminded me of an incident that was probably one of the first little.....petty things that eventually caused several professional adults to colude and conspire against me.
One morning I was really tired. I was with my supervisor and the 2 homosexual psychologists that I supervised Neil and Bob. Actually one is really homosexual and I really can't see the other one getting any ass so he might as well be.
My supervisor snapped at me and said, "You fucking turd quit your bitching"
I said, "I'm just bitter today for some reason."
Then Neil in his homo-sarcastic tone said, "You are what you eat."
I wasn't really thinking at the time and I said back, "Shut up, asshole."
I thought it was just good natured locker room talk between the boys.
Apparently not......
and if you didn't get it let me explain. I was bitter because I was eating something bitter. And he's an asshole for the same reason..
incidentally Neil, Bob, Ms. Crap, Vance Romance........all shit birds and all friends
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Ms. Crap
Ms. Crap as I mentioned yesterday suffers from UGS (Ugly Girl Syndrome)
The problem is, she isn't aware of it so she continues to act as if she is a 9 or a 10 while the rest of the world views her as a 2 or a 3.
In addition to being ugly Ms. Crap tells lies. I remember a time a week or two after we were forced to work together that she tried to engage me in conversation. The topic of the conversation was the suicide of a mutal friend. It was very strange... out of the blue, clear sky she brought up this person's name.
At the time of this conversation we had been working on a report that was required by the state. I was miserable. I was miserable for a couple of reasons. First I was stuck in a small room with Ms. Crap. It was almost 3 o'clock and she still had morning breath that was over powering the gum I had given her. 2. Ms. Crap had a weird shaped figure...from a distance one might think see was an attractive woman with a nice figure....BUT....sitting next to her in a small room gagging on her breath and having to look at her horrendous body being shown off by the clothes she had on.......and the fact the she didn't know shit from shinola about what we were doing......anyway, she's ugly. I'm grumpy. We're alone and she brings up the subject of a person we both know who just killed himself.
Anyway...I sat and listened to her carryt on about her feelings for the man and his family and blah blah blah......and then she made a statement I knew was 100% false. I hadn't been paying much attention but as soon as I heard the lie roll of her tongue I started paying attention.
Ms. Crap claimed to be a close friend of the man and his family. She appeared upset. What I couldn't figure out was why a professional woman, one that had reached the top of the food chain in our line of work would carry on with a fabricated story about someone she didn't know.......at times appearing to be on the verge of tears...Ms. Crap had claimed to be very broken up at the funeral, so much so that she felt an obligation to address the family. She also added a detail, maybe she felt was something that would make her story more believable...but this detail was her undoing
I'm not a very good conversationalist...if that's even a word. Anyway I was at the funeral. I didn't tell Ms. Crap that. I dont know why I didn't tell her...I'm just strange sometimes. Anyway this ugly pig carried on for almost an hour. It was a complete lie. This highly educated professional woman wasted an hour of our time by acting as if she attended a funeral, which she didn't. Pretending to close to someone she didn't know, who was now dead. She acted as if she was about to cry.
Anyway, she told me that she was glad that the funeral was closed casket. It wasn't. But, I didn't tell her that. I allowed her to carry on and then as we were ready to leave I informed her that I was at the funeral...and that I did know the man pretty well. He came to the hospital to see my daughter when she was born...
HA!! There aren't word enough in the English language to describe the awkward silence between us after that.
More on Ms. Crap and what a shit bird she is in the days, weeks, months, and years to come.
The problem is, she isn't aware of it so she continues to act as if she is a 9 or a 10 while the rest of the world views her as a 2 or a 3.
In addition to being ugly Ms. Crap tells lies. I remember a time a week or two after we were forced to work together that she tried to engage me in conversation. The topic of the conversation was the suicide of a mutal friend. It was very strange... out of the blue, clear sky she brought up this person's name.
At the time of this conversation we had been working on a report that was required by the state. I was miserable. I was miserable for a couple of reasons. First I was stuck in a small room with Ms. Crap. It was almost 3 o'clock and she still had morning breath that was over powering the gum I had given her. 2. Ms. Crap had a weird shaped figure...from a distance one might think see was an attractive woman with a nice figure....BUT....sitting next to her in a small room gagging on her breath and having to look at her horrendous body being shown off by the clothes she had on.......and the fact the she didn't know shit from shinola about what we were doing......anyway, she's ugly. I'm grumpy. We're alone and she brings up the subject of a person we both know who just killed himself.
Anyway...I sat and listened to her carryt on about her feelings for the man and his family and blah blah blah......and then she made a statement I knew was 100% false. I hadn't been paying much attention but as soon as I heard the lie roll of her tongue I started paying attention.
Ms. Crap claimed to be a close friend of the man and his family. She appeared upset. What I couldn't figure out was why a professional woman, one that had reached the top of the food chain in our line of work would carry on with a fabricated story about someone she didn't know.......at times appearing to be on the verge of tears...Ms. Crap had claimed to be very broken up at the funeral, so much so that she felt an obligation to address the family. She also added a detail, maybe she felt was something that would make her story more believable...but this detail was her undoing
I'm not a very good conversationalist...if that's even a word. Anyway I was at the funeral. I didn't tell Ms. Crap that. I dont know why I didn't tell her...I'm just strange sometimes. Anyway this ugly pig carried on for almost an hour. It was a complete lie. This highly educated professional woman wasted an hour of our time by acting as if she attended a funeral, which she didn't. Pretending to close to someone she didn't know, who was now dead. She acted as if she was about to cry.
Anyway, she told me that she was glad that the funeral was closed casket. It wasn't. But, I didn't tell her that. I allowed her to carry on and then as we were ready to leave I informed her that I was at the funeral...and that I did know the man pretty well. He came to the hospital to see my daughter when she was born...
HA!! There aren't word enough in the English language to describe the awkward silence between us after that.
More on Ms. Crap and what a shit bird she is in the days, weeks, months, and years to come.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Ugly Girl Syndrome
Everyone has had to deal with one of these pigs at one time or another. UGLY GIRL SYNDROME (UGS)...it effects thousands of professional women through out the nation. UGS is responsible for more work place incidents then slippery wet floors.
I recently had to work closley with a woman who suffers from UGS. Ms. Crap...so called because she looks like crap. Ms. Crap is a young woman with serious case of UGS. She tries to over compensate by being dedicated to her job, but the fact of the matter is she's ugly and nothing she can do will change that. She might not be aware of it since she has a lazy eye....You'd think someone like this would try to make up for the fact that she's got one eye rolling around her eye socket with reckless abandonm, and a face that looks like someone curb stomped Tommy Lee Jones then slapped a shitty wig on him and painted his face to look like a circus clown , with some sort of personality. But she honestly thinks she's attractive and smart and better than everyone else.
Ms. Crap and Lance Romance are piss pals. More to come on these two shit birds and UGS in the near future.
I recently had to work closley with a woman who suffers from UGS. Ms. Crap...so called because she looks like crap. Ms. Crap is a young woman with serious case of UGS. She tries to over compensate by being dedicated to her job, but the fact of the matter is she's ugly and nothing she can do will change that. She might not be aware of it since she has a lazy eye....You'd think someone like this would try to make up for the fact that she's got one eye rolling around her eye socket with reckless abandonm, and a face that looks like someone curb stomped Tommy Lee Jones then slapped a shitty wig on him and painted his face to look like a circus clown , with some sort of personality. But she honestly thinks she's attractive and smart and better than everyone else.
Ms. Crap and Lance Romance are piss pals. More to come on these two shit birds and UGS in the near future.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Vin Deisel
Vin Deisel is another turd I had to work with...not the real Vin Deisel. Vin was a short, squat, attention seeking, bald man. He worked as a substitute teacher in several school districts. Unfortunately for Vin he was such a turd that he would only ever work as a sub. He'd often comment on the politics involved in getting hired as a full time special education teacher. While there is some politics involved in getting a job I have to tell you that there aren't people beating down doors to get jobs as special ed teachers...
Honestly, who in their right mind is going to knowlingly amass student loan debt to secure a position with no upward mobility? A position that ensures professional isloationism. Or a profession that locks you into a lower middle class wage for life? Not to mention the shit you'll have to eat from administrators, colleagues, parents, kids, advocates, lawyers.......and anyone else who has an opinion on special education and the crap that comes with it.
I did...but this isn't to make fun of me it's to make fun of the shitbirds I had to work with.
Anyway, Vin Deisel...I didn't even come up with the nickname. HE DID! This man was in his late twenties but looked like he was in his early fifties. He was very loud and had lots of opinions, whiched changed frequently. He was a psuedo-intellect to the full extent. He desperatley wanted people to think he was well educated, learned man. He was just a clown.....so he fit right in with the other shit birds.
Vin Deisel? So as it happened Vin and I took the same grad class. And every teacher in the country knows that grad classes for teachers are: 1. A joke and 2. full of women.
The class consisted of 23 professional female educators, Vin Deisel, and me. I had the unfortunate experience of attending the same conference as Vin maybe 6 months earlier where he referred to himself as Vin Deisel...which completely ridiculous.
Each week Vin would get the professor off on tangents. EVERY WEEK! I paid for the FN class to listen to that short fat wind bag monopolize the frickin class. Anyway, everyone had to do an oral presentation. I can't remember shit from the class, but I remember Vin's presentation.
His topic was ADHD. He presentation to the class was about himself! I was embarrassed for the guy because his presentation was that stupid. He began by introducing his topic to the class. ADHD...big FN deal. He then proceded to spin yarns about all of his substitute teaching gigs where he found himself in a classroom that had kids with ADHD.
This shit bird plainly stated..."I walk into a room and BANG! I instantly command respect. Why? Kids see the gotee, the shaved head (for the record his hair fell out first), the hip collard shirts, Doc Martin's on my feet, the swager as I walk into the room...and they're thinking one thing! VIN DEISEL! He referred to himself over and over and over again as Vin FN Deisel. And he was serious!
He looked like George Costanza with a dirt-stash...a bigger belly, bigger boobs, back hair that protruded from the back of his shirt, and a large fat roll at the base of his skull.+
He mentioned nothing about teaching strategies that work for kids with ADHD or any researched based methods he spoke for 30 minutes about his resemblence to Vin Deisel and the impact it had on classes he subed in.......the worst part was I was hanging on his every word. I can't remember shit from that class, but I remember Vin Deisel and his ADHD presentation
Honestly, who in their right mind is going to knowlingly amass student loan debt to secure a position with no upward mobility? A position that ensures professional isloationism. Or a profession that locks you into a lower middle class wage for life? Not to mention the shit you'll have to eat from administrators, colleagues, parents, kids, advocates, lawyers.......and anyone else who has an opinion on special education and the crap that comes with it.
I did...but this isn't to make fun of me it's to make fun of the shitbirds I had to work with.
Anyway, Vin Deisel...I didn't even come up with the nickname. HE DID! This man was in his late twenties but looked like he was in his early fifties. He was very loud and had lots of opinions, whiched changed frequently. He was a psuedo-intellect to the full extent. He desperatley wanted people to think he was well educated, learned man. He was just a clown.....so he fit right in with the other shit birds.
Vin Deisel? So as it happened Vin and I took the same grad class. And every teacher in the country knows that grad classes for teachers are: 1. A joke and 2. full of women.
The class consisted of 23 professional female educators, Vin Deisel, and me. I had the unfortunate experience of attending the same conference as Vin maybe 6 months earlier where he referred to himself as Vin Deisel...which completely ridiculous.
Each week Vin would get the professor off on tangents. EVERY WEEK! I paid for the FN class to listen to that short fat wind bag monopolize the frickin class. Anyway, everyone had to do an oral presentation. I can't remember shit from the class, but I remember Vin's presentation.
His topic was ADHD. He presentation to the class was about himself! I was embarrassed for the guy because his presentation was that stupid. He began by introducing his topic to the class. ADHD...big FN deal. He then proceded to spin yarns about all of his substitute teaching gigs where he found himself in a classroom that had kids with ADHD.
This shit bird plainly stated..."I walk into a room and BANG! I instantly command respect. Why? Kids see the gotee, the shaved head (for the record his hair fell out first), the hip collard shirts, Doc Martin's on my feet, the swager as I walk into the room...and they're thinking one thing! VIN DEISEL! He referred to himself over and over and over again as Vin FN Deisel. And he was serious!
He looked like George Costanza with a dirt-stash...a bigger belly, bigger boobs, back hair that protruded from the back of his shirt, and a large fat roll at the base of his skull.+
He mentioned nothing about teaching strategies that work for kids with ADHD or any researched based methods he spoke for 30 minutes about his resemblence to Vin Deisel and the impact it had on classes he subed in.......the worst part was I was hanging on his every word. I can't remember shit from that class, but I remember Vin Deisel and his ADHD presentation
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Vance Romance
Vance Romance is another asshole I had to work with. This creepy little bastard had more bizzare character flaws than any one man should have. When someone first meets the man thier first impression might be: this pot-bellied troll is trying way to hard to look and act like his is still in highschool. Vance Romance is still searching for an identity. Speaking of searching for an identity....this blog is still searching for an identity.....
I used to think we were buddies. He knew some of the same people I did...or so he told me. It's too bad I read people very well and it was only a matter of days before I realized he was a compulsive liar...and a premature ejaculator.
For the record I figured out he was a liar on my own. I found out he was a premature ejaculator after Vance Romance had told me that he "hooked up" with several of the female faculty members at the school we worked at. Vance had spun some yarns about a woman (who shall remain nameless) and him being an item. What Vance Romance didn't count on was that woman and I becoming close buddies.
To make a long short SHORT! One night Vance Romance took advantage of a woman who had too much to drink. Vance attempted to put a condon on that was too large for his thumb sized member and it fell off. And when it fell off....well that was it. Vance Romance spent the next 23 minutes in the girl bathroom.
You can read the whole story in my up coming future best seller Salmonella for the Soul.
I used to think we were buddies. He knew some of the same people I did...or so he told me. It's too bad I read people very well and it was only a matter of days before I realized he was a compulsive liar...and a premature ejaculator.
For the record I figured out he was a liar on my own. I found out he was a premature ejaculator after Vance Romance had told me that he "hooked up" with several of the female faculty members at the school we worked at. Vance had spun some yarns about a woman (who shall remain nameless) and him being an item. What Vance Romance didn't count on was that woman and I becoming close buddies.
To make a long short SHORT! One night Vance Romance took advantage of a woman who had too much to drink. Vance attempted to put a condon on that was too large for his thumb sized member and it fell off. And when it fell off....well that was it. Vance Romance spent the next 23 minutes in the girl bathroom.
You can read the whole story in my up coming future best seller Salmonella for the Soul.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Moleman part 2
I spent two painful years with the Moleman. Two very painful years.
I was actually talking about Moleman today with a co-worker.
I was trying to describe what a shit head he was and I could quite capture the magnitude of what a piece of garbage this man is professionally and as a human being.
I've been struggling all day.......there aren't words powerful enough to convey to the world how big of an asshole he really is....I'll keep trying
I was actually talking about Moleman today with a co-worker.
I was trying to describe what a shit head he was and I could quite capture the magnitude of what a piece of garbage this man is professionally and as a human being.
I've been struggling all day.......there aren't words powerful enough to convey to the world how big of an asshole he really is....I'll keep trying
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Moleman
Mr. Moleman was the first professional I worked with when I started working in the public schools.
Mr. Moleman's most noble character trait was that he was a closet alcoholic...at least he thought he was a closet alcoholic. He showed up to work several times a month with blood shot eyes stinking like booze.
Moleman's job was to counsel the student's. He was supposed to run group counseling and individual counseling sessions. He did neither. This lazy asshole would tell me it was my job to do them while he sat in his office playing solitaire.
Moleman would make smartass remarks towards me and the other staff members he worked with. He had a dry sense of humor.....he was bald....recently remarried...and he talked very slowly often pausing to make sure he had your complete attention. Sometimes he'd pause for five or ten minutes and pick right up where he left off. I'm sure Moleman knows I think he sucks by now. He sucks and he is stealing tax payer money everyday when he goes to work. This asshole has more problems then the kids he works with. Once or twice a week Moleman would causualy reveal something very personal about himself at very odd times.
For example one morning he came into work and asked if it had rained hard at my house because the night before it had rained so hard his basement flooded. So, I informed him that it hadn't rained that much where I lived. At which point he reached into his pocket and removed a sandwhich bag that had something in. He tossed it on to my desk and left the room. Later that day he walked back into the room picked up the item.....removed it....looked at it......and tossed it back on to my desk....
Before leaving for the day he came back in to the room. He walked over to my desk picking up the sandwhich bag with the wet papers in them and said "I found this floating in my basement....my son's death certificate...and these....love notes from my ex-wife's lesbian girlfriend" After that he walked out of the room and left for the day....He came in drunk the next day and refused to leave his office.
More on Moleman tomorrow
Yes Moleman is a shitbird.
19
Mr. Moleman's most noble character trait was that he was a closet alcoholic...at least he thought he was a closet alcoholic. He showed up to work several times a month with blood shot eyes stinking like booze.
Moleman's job was to counsel the student's. He was supposed to run group counseling and individual counseling sessions. He did neither. This lazy asshole would tell me it was my job to do them while he sat in his office playing solitaire.
Moleman would make smartass remarks towards me and the other staff members he worked with. He had a dry sense of humor.....he was bald....recently remarried...and he talked very slowly often pausing to make sure he had your complete attention. Sometimes he'd pause for five or ten minutes and pick right up where he left off. I'm sure Moleman knows I think he sucks by now. He sucks and he is stealing tax payer money everyday when he goes to work. This asshole has more problems then the kids he works with. Once or twice a week Moleman would causualy reveal something very personal about himself at very odd times.
For example one morning he came into work and asked if it had rained hard at my house because the night before it had rained so hard his basement flooded. So, I informed him that it hadn't rained that much where I lived. At which point he reached into his pocket and removed a sandwhich bag that had something in. He tossed it on to my desk and left the room. Later that day he walked back into the room picked up the item.....removed it....looked at it......and tossed it back on to my desk....
Before leaving for the day he came back in to the room. He walked over to my desk picking up the sandwhich bag with the wet papers in them and said "I found this floating in my basement....my son's death certificate...and these....love notes from my ex-wife's lesbian girlfriend" After that he walked out of the room and left for the day....He came in drunk the next day and refused to leave his office.
More on Moleman tomorrow
Yes Moleman is a shitbird.
19
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Back for more
I've been busy, but I'm back now.
I'm hard at work writing Salmonella for the Soul. I hope to have it done before Christmas.
I'm working on developing a website to promote SFTS. So far I've come up with the idea to develop a website and that's as far as I've gotten. I'm also trying to think of an alias......I've got nothing so far.
Starting tomorrow or the next time I get back on I'm going to begin discussing a new shitbird on every post. I'll do my best to hide their true identity, while still exposing them for the turd that they really are.......
A new friend recently let me borrow the Mixerman book...I wish I had thought to do that 9 years ago.
19
I'm hard at work writing Salmonella for the Soul. I hope to have it done before Christmas.
I'm working on developing a website to promote SFTS. So far I've come up with the idea to develop a website and that's as far as I've gotten. I'm also trying to think of an alias......I've got nothing so far.
Starting tomorrow or the next time I get back on I'm going to begin discussing a new shitbird on every post. I'll do my best to hide their true identity, while still exposing them for the turd that they really are.......
A new friend recently let me borrow the Mixerman book...I wish I had thought to do that 9 years ago.
19
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Kowtow to the King
I'm getting ready to go to a party. The King Shit Bird will be attending this party as well. I've already decided to put myself on a three second delay should I happen to be in a situation forcing me to talk to this bonejob. The three second delay is a very powerful tool when dealing with shit birds. It's very simple too. If a shit bird tries to engage you in conversation you simpley pause three seconds before you say anything. Three seconds of silence is touture to a shit bird especially when they know you have their number.
Typically I dont go out of my way to be an A-hole, but in this case I will make an exception. The King Shit Bird lives for social gatherings where he play the role of the local boy who made good and returned to the community a highly educated and successful man. (Highly educated and successful is certainly subjective in this case) That's his miliue. He lives for other shit birds to kowtow to him and rub his bottom to make him feel important. A little bit of uncomfortable silence should just be enough for me to do to piss all over his parade.
This is not really going to help my cause at work. But, this is the only way I know how to be. And 70 years from now when the King SHit Bird is dead I can look back at this time in my life and know that I never kowtowed to any shitbird. The funny thing is these smackjobs think that they have broken me. I will return to their fiefdom as much as I can and I will shit in their sink.
Honestly I think this is what I was put here to do. Growing up my hero's were guys like Eddie Haskell, Jokey Smurf, Woody Wood Pecker, Lex Luther, Al Bundy, Ric Flair, Ty Cobb, and Grandpa Munster just to name a few. They are all fictional characters which I think is a little weird on my part. For the most part they are not supervillians but they irritate the shit out their enemies. I love that. And now I'm off to hopfully ruin the night of the King of Shit Birds
Typically I dont go out of my way to be an A-hole, but in this case I will make an exception. The King Shit Bird lives for social gatherings where he play the role of the local boy who made good and returned to the community a highly educated and successful man. (Highly educated and successful is certainly subjective in this case) That's his miliue. He lives for other shit birds to kowtow to him and rub his bottom to make him feel important. A little bit of uncomfortable silence should just be enough for me to do to piss all over his parade.
This is not really going to help my cause at work. But, this is the only way I know how to be. And 70 years from now when the King SHit Bird is dead I can look back at this time in my life and know that I never kowtowed to any shitbird. The funny thing is these smackjobs think that they have broken me. I will return to their fiefdom as much as I can and I will shit in their sink.
Honestly I think this is what I was put here to do. Growing up my hero's were guys like Eddie Haskell, Jokey Smurf, Woody Wood Pecker, Lex Luther, Al Bundy, Ric Flair, Ty Cobb, and Grandpa Munster just to name a few. They are all fictional characters which I think is a little weird on my part. For the most part they are not supervillians but they irritate the shit out their enemies. I love that. And now I'm off to hopfully ruin the night of the King of Shit Birds
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)