Cross your fingers

I'm sending in 2 chapters of SFTS this week.
2010 will be the coming out year of SFTS...

I sat in a meeting with the brass at my current job. For 45 minutes we discussed Child Nutrition Specialists...it sounded important so I decided to pay attention. But, I soon lost interest....it wasn't until after the meeting I learned exactly what a Child Nutrition Specialist is...

it's a fucking lunch lady

Irony?

Holy shit there is an advertisement for a behavior modification program on my blog! How funny is that?

Funny Doctor

My whole life I was never sick. As soon as I started working with kids I was practically knocking on death's door.
At one point I got a viral infection from kids who play with their own shit. Fecalphiliacs I think is what they are called. To make a long story short the medicine they gave me to help me get well gave me ulcers.
For awhile I refused to go back to the doctor because I hate wasting my time and I really hate being touched. When I finally consented the doctor told me that he needed to look in my stomach. He suggested an endoscopy which I initially had mistaken for a colonoscopy. I refused! Eventually my stomach hurt so bad that I went...plus I learned I'd be asleep and they'ed go in through my mouth.
My mother decided she'd drive me to make sure that I went.

The doctor saw me for less than a minute before the nurses came in to prep me. While they were getting things set up my mom thought it might be a good idea to inform the nurses hwo were roughly the same age as me that I was a big baby when it came to things of this nature. AND that I had initially refused the procedure because I thought they'd stick a camera up my behind. The nurses thought this was quite funny.

So funny infact they started to tease me about it.

I don't know about you, but it makes me uncomfortable to have two young ladies who I just met making jokes about sticking things up my ass.

They placed the mask over my face to put me out. One of the nurses asked me, "Are you feeling sleepy?"

I said, "No"

The other nurse walked over, looked at her friend and said, "OK I'll get his pants...you flip him over." I freaked for about a second and the next thing I knew they were waking me up....

I was groggy when I woke up, but the first thing I remembered was those two idiot nurses.....I thought for sure I had been tricked!

The doctor spoke really bad English and kept getting pissed when I told him that my thoat felt fine...but my ass feels kind of funny.

I thought it was funny?

One of my undoings at my old job was my inability to play politics. I just don't understand it. Everyone has a job to do so why can't they just do it?

Anyway one of my underlings would never listen. He was very arrogant and condescending when he talked. HE hated the fact that I was younger and made more money. I know this because he told me so.

My direction was to "massage his ego" as a way of managing him. That came from the big boss.

One day I asked this man a yes or no question. And he started to give me a long ass diatribe about nothing.

I don't remember what he said, but at one point I asked "what's the difference?"
Which sent him into a homosexual tizzy.

The man got very mad and started yelling at me. Now for the record at this point in my career I was under the impression that men acted a certain way universally. Men can call each other names and it's kind of normal.

Anyway this queer douche bag thought he was real funny and said, "I don't know. What's the difference between your wife and your mom?"

I said..."I don't know can yuo just answer the question?"

"Well I hope you'd know!" He said as if he just really got me good with that one.
He pissed me off!
So I asked, "What's the difference between your boyfriend and life savers?"

Oh I should tell you that everyone pretended the man wasn't gay

He said back, "Oh fuck you....you don't even have an answer to a retarded question like that"

I said, "Yeah...your boyfriend doesn't come in five different flavors."

I thought it was funny...he didn't

I said

Glory Hole

Growing up I was very sheltered and I'm a conservative person by nature. I don't know much about dirty deviant things. That being said:
One day a kid named Mike just transfered into my class. There was no honey moon period with this kid. An hour after he got there he was cursing at my worthless classroom aid. So I removed him from the class and put him the time out room. I gave my aid the task of watching the kid until he calmed down.

About 20 minutes later I walked over to check on them. The vice principal waas in there with them and there was a hole in the wall.

The Vice principal, Mr. Z asked, "How did that get there?"
Mike said, "I don't know...it just did."
My worthless aid said. "He throw something or hit it."
What a douche bag he was supposed to be watching the kid! Mike ratted him out and told us that he was left in there alone for awhile.
Mr. Z then asked, "Well...you kicked it? Or is that your glory hole?"
The rest of the incident was fairly uneventful. The creepy part was after. I was in my classroom after school with the aid, Vance Romance. He kept trying to talk about the incident, but the only part he cared to discuss was the comment about the glory hole.
Finally I said, "Why is that funny? What's a glory hole?"
Vance Romance got weird...he wouldn't tell me what it was he told me to go home and look it up. WHATEVER. I didn't care enough to look it up.
The next morning he was still obsessing over the glory hole coment and still refusing to tell me what it was.
Occasionally throughout the day he'd say little creepy things like "Oh maybe you should hit the glory hole later."
I didn't really feed into it because I hated him and I didn't really ever want to talk to him.
Well as luck would have later that same day Mike was in Mr. Z's office after school. Again the incident wasn't a big deal but after the kid left Vance Romance brought up the glory hole comment. Mr. Z said he wished he hadn't made the remark and hoped the kid had forgotten. I STILL DIDN"T KNOW WHAT THE F IT WAS!

The next morning Vance Romance walks over to my desk to show me a picture he downloaded off of the internet. It was a glory hole! It was a woman infront of a hole with a weiner poking through.

For a second I thought...where is this magical place? For a second! Anyway, it made me uncomfortable to have that creepy little bastard showing me this in school. But he wouldn't drop it. He claimed he knew where a glory hole was. He even reported to me that he knew people who went to them...I was typed and I just got the heebee geebee's!

Not that I gave it that much thought but I couldn't make sense of the Hole thing (get it?) in my head. Why would a pretty girl go look for a hole in a wall and...

Maybe a week later Vance Romance was still bringing it up. He was a CREEP!
After school one day I was in Mr. Z's office and I thanked him for getting Vance Romance all fired up about Glory Holes. I explained his creepy comments and the picture he showed me and how he claimed to know where to go find one.

AND THEN! Mr. Z looked slighty offended! He asked, "Are you serious or are you pulling my leg?"

"Serious why?"

"Fags go to glory holes," he said, "I'm not judging believe me I have many friends that are homosexual."

"Shut up!" I said.

"I'm dead serious. They are for fags."

I waved him off I didn't want to finish the conversation.

"If he knows where to go find one he's either hanging out in the truck stop or.."

"I don't want to hear anymore!"

"Think about this," he said, "VR lives at home. No girl friend. No prospects on the horizion."

"Oh...please..I have to work with him." I was begging him to stop.

I explained that for over a week I assumed that there were secret places where women would go and men would go...it didn't occur to me that it was not a heterosexual activity. Especially after Vance Romance told me he knew where to go and that he knew people who went. Vance was a staunch homophobe...or so I thought.

Mr. Z thought it was kind of funny.

The next day I went in to school and told Vance Romance that glory holes were where gay men would congrigate...

"Glory holes are for homo's so let's never discuss them again." I said.

"Not all glory holes are for fags." He said. He was mad! And he stormed out of the room. He never mentioned glory holes again

Glamour Shot

For a time a taught in a partial hosptialization program. That is a program that is some academics and a lot of therapy.

One of the assignments for a group therapy session was to create a family collage. The students were to bring in pictures of their families and develop some sort of picture that the A-hole therapist would psycho-analyze.

Less than half the class actually brought pictures in. These kids came from really bad family situations I doubt they had a family photo album.

One student who was a particular pain in the neck went all out for the assignment. He brought pictures of everyone. His dad who he hadn't known, His brother that was in jail. His sister who ran away. And a big picture of his mother in lingerie.

I had never heard of Glamour Shots before. But this woman who was well over 300 pounds saw fit to send her son into school with a picture of her laying on a bed in a red.....thing. With her face painted to look like a hooker.

Honest to God it was like something out of a movie.

The kids was so proud of his collage I didn't have the heart to tell him.

Vance Romance is a funny guy

After I was made aware that Vance Romance was one to tell little white lies about girls he had "hooked up" with and the fact that his miniscule male memebr would go off if it hit a strong breeze suddenly everything the guy said becuase funny. He had me laughing so much he started to think he was a funny guy. He wasn't at all which made it even funnier. For the record I don't think being a premature ejaculator is funny!

The first time it happened was right after a phone call from a grumpy parent.
He said, "That didn't take long." and I burst out laughing.

And it happened more and more. After a multimedia presentation for the highschool we were wlkaing back to the classroom and he commented, "That was pretty cool, but it was over before I knew it."

Later we had a little contest with our class to see who could finish a word search from the news paper. The little bastard cheated! But I burst ut laughing when he shouted, "I'm DONE!"

Things like this would happen dailey. He started to think it was him! He was funny. He cam ein to school a few weeks later to brag that he met a gilr on myspace.
"Yeah, I had her cracking up. I told her I was funny. Girl really like a sense of humor."

I didn't have the hear to say it, but I was thinking YOU ASSHOLE! the only time yu get us to laugh is when you comment about something not taking long or being finished with something.

There was another time I couldn't figure out something with our computer in the classroom. I asked him to help me. He sat down fixed it right away and said, "That didn't even take me a minute." And again I laughed my ass off.

He'd often take breaks each period go walk around the building. and as he'd leave he'd always say, "don't worry I won't be long."

There will be plenty more in my up coming best selling book Salmonella For The Soul

I started to jot down the things he'd say almost daily that got me to laugh.